I didn’t want it to go down like this, but I think it’s time to come clean before somebody gets hurt. I’m a spy. A saboteur.

Let’s start with my mutt looks. I’m unidentifiable, with baby shit hazel eyes, graying hair, pale-tan skin and a nose big enough to be claimed by any number of ethnicities. My chosen cover is Mexican, because nobody really gives a crap what Mexico knows and any Mexican “spy” wouldn’t raise any eyebrows at Homeland. What’s Mexico going to do with secrets?

Next my accent. I’ve lived around and picked up a bit of this and that from New Yawk, LA dude, Colorado bro’ and missionary-position English from Seattle. I throw around Spanish to uphold my cover and I’m now slinging Romanian. And you should hear my Mr. Wong. Hillarious. I am what I need to be, y’all.

I dress completely different from day to day, and I’m prone to shaving my head on a whim. I can grow a beard in about 20 minutes and I go from happy-go-lucky to screw-you in the blink of an eye. Nobody knows me.

I am a spy.

I’m working for three and sometimes four countries: Italy, Switzerland, and depending on the season, Thailand and Greece.

So now that all this spy swapping is going down, let’s clear the air and settle scores, shall we?

That fella’ Lorenzo, posing as a successful gigolo in Rome? Yeah, spy. He hangs out a lot at that one fountain, and has been dishing the US secrets on how Italian woman don’t get muffin tops around their jeans. Italian girls have been having trouble doing that. Spy.

And that guy Pierre posing as a watch winder in Geneva? Yeah, he’s been slowing down watches trying to keep their rich types late to important meetings. Saboteur.

Stavros in Greece handing out towels at topless beaches on various Greek islands? Greek economy . . . his fault. Saboteur. And Thidikdapturian in Phuket tending bar at the old Kapunka? He’s the reason you can’t get a decent condom anywhere in Thailand. Saboteur.

So we can do this one of two ways, quiet and quick, or over the airwaves through Rush and that annoying blabbermouth “hillbilly” Nancy Grace (who’s also been spying – for Pakistan).

It’s a simple swap. Nancy Grace goes BACK to Central Asia, and I don’t really care whom I’m swapped with, just so long as I’m brought to justice, proper, and sent home.

If you’re wondering what my role was as a spy, why do you think the US lost at the World Cup?