A lifestyle blog by Alan Pierce on The Whole 9

Alan Pierce has a dirty mind, a wicked tongue and a lightning fast pen. Currently residing in Los Angeles, Alan gets around…literally. And is here to share a bit of what he sees…

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Our Town

August 31, 2010
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In July of 1999, approximately one month after I moved to Los Angeles, my dear friend Laura Hermann visited.  I made my way out to LAX to pick her up.  That early in my residency, everything seemed SO far away.  I didn’t have the road rage yet – I was merely terrified on the highways.  So I took side streets.  We chatted as we left LAX – terribly excited by our upcoming time together in a new city.  I assumed that the street I took led back to Sepulveda, but about 30 minutes later I looked to the left and noticed that I was directly across from downtown.  I had taken Century Blvd.

We decided to aim for downtown from there and we spent the next hour vaguely (and sometimes NOT-so-vaguely) terrified as we drove through scary neighborhood after scary neighborhood.  Street lights had been shot out of most of the lights we encountered and shadowy figures resided on darkened corners.  We felt incredibly white that night – probably for no reason.  I was more scared that night than I was the night I went to Cabrini Green for a crack pickup back in my Chicago days (that’s another story ALTOGETHER).  We made it to my new residence on Hollywood and Vista, exhausted and exhilarated

The thing about my dear Laura is, however, that she comes with an agenda – and the next day was no exception.  She had her list of things she wanted to see and number one on the list was Watts Towers.  We grabbed a Thompson Guide – all 800 pages of it – and set off back through the trails of the night before.  And it was glorious.

Last week, amidst all the horrors of the politics of today (Arizona’s racial profiling SB1070, Proposition 8, “Christians” throwing a bloody fit about proposed mosques in New York City and Tennessee , Glenn Beck going insane, and the sound of Meg Whitman droning on and on as she buys a capital), I escaped back to Watts Towers – Nuestro Pueblo:  Our Town.

ALL THIS was my tour guide.  She’s the cutest, sweetest thing….  I have NO idea what her name is.

An Italian immigrant, Sabato Rodia built Nuestro Pueblo over a period of 33 years.  It is the world’s largest single construction created by one individual.

The structures have no welded inner structure.  Reinforced steel was wired together then wrapped with wire mesh and hand-packed with mortar.  He used sea shells, tiles, broken crockery, green ginger ale bottles, and glass insulators as embellishments; the towers sparkle in the daylight.

Sabato “Simon” Rodia, born in southern Italy in 1879,  immigrated to the United States around the age of ten and worked on his sculpture from 1921 – 1954.  When asked about the project, he stated: “I had it in mind to do something big, and I did it.”

Do you ever get the feeling that you should be doing more?

END TOUR.  :)

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Road Trip

August 6, 2010
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The Fever Jones and I were invited to join our dear friends, the Hermann’s, with them in Morro Bay.  As we all know by now, I’m ALWAYS up for a road trip and it HAD been quit a while.  California was still suffering from “June Gloom” in July and I was desperate to get to the ocean so we took off early one Friday morning.  The drive was lovely.  The scenery was lovely.

The first stop we made (if you ignore the two Starbucks ventures along the way) was, of course, the Madonna Inn.  The Madonna Inn is this amazing and eclectic motel in San Luis Obispo.  It has 110 rooms that have names such as “Yosemite Rock”, “Traveler’s Yacht”, and “Fox & Hound” that are decorated in a style befitting those names and oddities throughout the property.

This is the famous men’s restroom on the basement level of the Madonna Inn.  Me taking a picture at the “waterfall” urinal is not the most horrifying aspect to this restroom – all the women waiting outside until the men vacate the room is.  I AM, however, completely fascinated by the fact that the waterfall doesn’t splatter as you stand there peeing.

Morro Bay.

Wikipedia has this to say about the rock:  “Morro Rock was named in 1542 by Portuguese navigator Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo, who explored the Pacific Coast for Spain. Cabrillo called the rock El Moro because it resembled the head of a Moor, the people from North Africa known for the turbans they wore. However, the dictionary definition for the Spanish word “morro” (“pebble”) is also consistent with the shape of the rock, and so the term morro is frequently used wherever such a distinctive rock-like mountain is found within the Spanish speaking world.”

Personally I like the one where it’s the shape of someone’s head.

Abalone:  looks like vagina; tastes like…chicken?

Glass blowing in Harmony.

Elephant seals just north of San Simeon and the Hearst Castle.  This time of year they’re just laying there molting.  And smelling.

Nitt Witt Ridge in Cambria.  It’s a California National Landmark and the plaque reads:  “Nitt Witt Ridge, one of California’s remarkable twentieth-century folk-art environments, is the creation of Arthur Harold Beal (Der Tinkerpaw, or Capt. Nitt Witt), a Cambria Pines pioneer who sculpted the land using hand tools and indigenous materials, inventiveness and self-taught skills. A blend of native materials and contemporary elements, impressive in its sheer mass and meticulous placement, it is a revealing memorial to Art’s cosmic humor and zest for life. California Registered Historical Landmark No. 939. Plaque placed by the State Department of Parks and Recreation in cooperation for saving and preserving arts and cultural environments with the Art Beal Foundation, non-profit and educational corporation. June 26, 1986.”

At this point my available space for pictures has run out.  Which is bad, because you know I love pictures.

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awaken2sun

I too love the Madonna Inn…although I suspect it’s a bit seamier than I remember it from my childhood…and no, I don’t remember my grandmother showing her, ahem, impressionable granddaughter the waterfall urinal. But FYI…I did increase your storage capacity ;)

June Bug

June 15, 2010
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It’s June and I can’t even remember when I last wrote a blog.  I feel the months and months of guilt, but that’s not productive.  I really did put a lot of work into a blog, several weeks’ worth, but I could never quite pull it together.  And then I couldn’t write.  So, writer’s block exists.  Who knew?   Here I am at my local Starbucks, in the Farmer’s Market.  The guy who plays Ryan from The Office is in line behind me -  just another of those teeny tiny little boys with a large and fairly oddly shaped head.  *sigh*

Perhaps I’ll just babble a little to um, er…clean out the pipes as it were.

What I really wanted to do was to write a blog called “‘Prom Night” and talk about this lovely girl I met a couple of months ago.  Her name is Constance McMillan and, as most of us know, she’s the girl from Mississippi whose high school decided that, rather than have her in a tux escorting her girlfriend, they’d rather cancel the prom.  She got loads of media attention including a college scholarship from Ellen, an invitation to Perez Hilton’s birthday party, was awarded the “Courage Award” by LifeWorks Mentoring at the Life Out Loud benefit, and will be the 2010 Grand Marshall for the NYC Gay Pride Parade.  And she’s really just ALL over the country these days.  Of course her school later decided to have the prom but directed her to a fake prom where they put all their special students (i.e. the fags and the Special Olympics victims).

I have just a couple of things to say:  a) the actions the school took caused Constance’s classmates to be dicks to her.  One little boy in particular is being an assbag…calling her a dyke and such.  He’s gay.  Someone should nip that shit in the bud before we end up with another airport bathroom toe-tapper;  b) grow up Mississippi.  Didn’t you learn ANYTHING while dealing with your civil rights issues; and c) I’ve noticed that the little gay bloggers are all a’twitter about her hot-as-fuck father.  Trust me boys…he’s even hotter in person.  He’s built, humble, sweet…and as straight as they come.  He’s just a good daddy who wants his daughter to be happy.  Back off.

I just had to explain “June Gloom” to the French couple sitting next to me at Starbucks.  The woman was attempting to explain it to her boyfriend, but was calling it “June Bug”.  Silly French, take off your clothes.

I turned 42 on April 11th.  We had the party at our cute little neighborhood bar, Sheddy’s Public Parlour.  Beer, Wine, cheese plates and the most delightful owner and staff.  These days it’s either  “Meet me at Third and Fairfax” or wander a half block down Fairfax and meet me at Sheddy’s.  The party was delightful, the attendees were fantastic, and after 4 hours of “Happy Hour” we stumbled down to Tart for dinner and desserts.  Yup, I’m officially 42 (lbs overweight).  *sigh*

“He-who-touches–me-inappropriately”, aka the Fever Jones (aka Mic Duggan) has a new show, the Brooke Fever Follies.  He and our lovely Brooke Wilkes have put together something terribly vaudevillian and OH – so entertaining.  Comedians and singers, some interpretive dance done in gold Speedos (while the lovely Aimee Boice sings “Goldfinger”, for instance), a magician here and there and a little burlesque – you just never know what you’re going to witness.  Neither, of course, did the 8 year old that showed up at the first show.  Brooke was in her leather cat suit getting a spanking, Matina Bevis was having an Alabaman hot flash and Fever was “doing” Kim Kardashian in every possible position…that is, now, one well-educated child.  For more info on the show, on the Fever Jones, or simply for a horoscope go to:  www.FeverJones.com.

And as for me, I’ve taken a part time job with the AIDS Healthcare Foundation.  I’m helping to put together the 1st Annual AIDS Healthcare Foundation AIDS Walk (food and music festival and concert).  First I’ll be coming for walkers (don’t you think a “Team TheWhole9” has a nice ring to it?) and, failing to get you to walk, I’ll be coming for money.  But really, everyone should participate in this event.  It’s going to be a FANTASTIC day…and the concert will be the happy ending.  It’s all going to be around the Greek Theatre and it’s all going to be a good time for a good cause – WITH good people.

Save the date! Sunday, September 26th – your schedule should look like this:

“2:00 PM
Check-in begins and the Food & Music Festival kicks off big-time just north of the Greek Theatre on Vermont in Griffith Park. Over 20 different free food vendors, two live music stages and rides for all ages including our very own Ferris Wheel, Pirate Ship Ride, Giant Slide, Climbing Wall, Game Booths and the Magic Johnson Free Throw Toss are all included in the bash.  Kick-back and picnic with free food while listening to music tucked in the shade of the walnut, mahogany and oak trees in the largest municipal park in the entire United States.

4:30 PM
As the Food & Music Festival continues in the middle of one of the most beautiful parks on the planet, families and friends will come together to enjoy fun, food, music and camaraderie. Our 5K California AIDS Walk takes us through Griffith Park. This low-stress Walk will begin and end at the Greek Theatre with plenty of entertainment and refreshments along the way.

6:00 PM
With the AIDS Healthcare Foundation Festival right outside it’s front doors, the Greek Theatre will open and the music will begin. For three hours our superstar walkers, who raised a minimum of $200, will enjoy some of music’s biggest stars under the stars at the iconic Greek. Registered walkers will get weekly updates on the concert line-up. Every walker will receive a free event tee-shirt!

9:00 PM
The 1st Annual California AIDS Walk and Food & Music Festival comes to a close….For just 364 days! “

And how would you feel if you got to do it all…with ME?  YAY!  Good times, right?  So here’s the deal:  Gather your friends, fans and coworkers and get signed up.

Go here:  WWW.WALKEATDANCE.ORG.  Get started.  And we’ll let the good times roll.

So I’ve been sitting at this Starbucks for 3 hours.  I’ve seen two, mid-30s women looking for their internet dates; explained to the French couple that it’s “June Gloom” not “June bug”; and been completely fascinated by a guy whose ball was sticking out of his shorts (a thanks to Haught Wheels of the LA Derby Dolls for “Excuse me, I think you sat in some gum”).  And I think I’ve worn out my welcome.  AND old people keep popping in, taking little naps and then continuing on their day.

Oh HELL.  Someone has brought their TYPEWRITER to Starbucks.  I’m out.  Love to you all….

And by the way:

(people in Kentucky don’t get the joke).

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wonderwall

Wow, most definitely have caught me up to speed.
Happy Belated!
I would like to meet the man who utilizes his typewriter at Starbucks haha analog is not dead!

wonderwall

Ps. Thanks for the AIDS Walk info!

awaken2sun

There truly is entertainment waiting to be had around every corner in Los Angeles and you have just proved it. Look forward to chatting about The Whole 9 Aids Walk team and to hopefully seeing you around more often.

landercello

Long overdue to give you a shout out on your blog. Fun read as always. Keep it coming.

There is a channel for this you know.

February 24, 2010
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“Historians, it is said, fall into one of three categories:
Those who lie.
Those who are mistaken.
Those who do not know.”
Anonymous

History is such an interesting thing. Though it’s not really the case, it appears that you have to have done something interesting to have one. People are constantly trying to leave their mark on the world to remind people that they were there. Families are having enough children to staff a football team (I don’t know how many that is, but I’m assuming Octomom over-shot it); kids are spray-painting their names on every flat surface; men and women are trying to populate walls with their artwork and shelves with their stories; but seriously, aren’t serial killers the only names we can rattle off on command?

clown_car1

Recently the Fever Jones re-introduced me to the History Channel and I’ve been watching a show called “Life After People”. The show doesn’t explain how or why people disappeared, but just how the world will look from 1 day to 50 million years after people disappear. It’s fascinating. After just a day , things start to break down. Even the 10,000 year clock doesn’t last ten years because it was only a prototype and they never got the money to build the real one. Skyscrapers crumble and water, it appears, it the death of any structure.

There was a story about a professor who left a steel encased, air-tight room in a university building with the instructions that it shouldn’t be opened until 8313 AD (or some such nonsense). The room was filled with objects that would should those in the future what we were like. Amongst the entombed items were mannequins to show how we appeared, a typewriter, and some vials full of beer (made, of course, by Anheuser). They found that doorway covered in spiderwebs only 30 years later. After only 30 years, nobody even remembered about the room and, were the instructions not on the door, nobody would’ve understood what was going on.  As for the 8313, the audience could watch as a trickle of water ended up bringing down the building around the steel room and then began on a microscopic imperfection that came about during that fall.  I think the room made it almost 250 years.

My high school time capsule, opened at the 10 year reunion revealed that I was most known for wearing mass quantities of Polo (not bad in a town devoid of  cologne).  Of course that and the fact that I was a suspected homosexual.  Small towns are a good time.  But after all these years and the masses of people I’ve collected and kept over the years, I do have to wonder how I’ll go down in history.  “Funny Uncle Alan” to the children of all my best friends; only to be forgotten in a couple of generations?  Cranky old Mr. Pierce who refuses to make eye contact with the neighborhood children or the homeless so they’ll go away?  Or do I have a mass killing in my future?  Alan Dean Pierce.  Hmm.  Perhaps I should write a book instead.

“There is properly no history, only biography.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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theredhead

The dichotomy of this entire piece is really stellar. So here we humans are eating up the resources we have at our fingertips and yet without us, nothing ends up surviving. Crazy.

grool

Great read! I absolutely LOVE this show myself. It is amazing to think that for all of our efforts, attitudes, creations, hoarding, collections, structures, objects, and designs created within the course of our existence that within a few centuries this planet could basically wipe the slate clean as if we’d never existed at all. The most interesting one yet was where they showed what alien archaeologists would find millions of years from now, and that within the sedimentary layers human kind would be but a thin layer of concentrated metals, minerals, and plastics and nothing more. The human legacy in a nutshell per-se. :)

celestevoce

It is rather funny that most people are so obsessed with this idea of leaving a legacy. Personally, once I’m gone, does it really matter if people remember me? No. I won’t know whether they do or don’t. But instead of trying to leave a physical sign or symbol of my existence, I should strive more to leave something that will impact the world in a positive way, whether I cure a disease (okay, personally that’s beyond my scope), or tell a funny joke that can always make my family last even after I’m not around to tell it anymore.

theroadhome

Imagine. 1000 years from now. A leveled planet. No Republicans, no Democrats, no terrorists. No churches, no bibles, no korans. No white people, no black people…no red white and blue…just cases and cases and cases of Twinkies and Velveeta refusing to deteriorate and biodegrade.

Hmmm

landercello

Awesome read. That poster is hilarious!

A gift for my girls…

December 25, 2009
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I’ve got many single girls…all beautiful, educated and with careers…but single, nevertheless, and I can’t figure out why.  Of course I don’t actually want one of my own, but it’s always been such a mystery to me why they’re alone.

I was at the coffee shop the other day (I’m now reading “The Fountainhead”) and I saw the boy I want to give to ALL my single girls.  He’s easy on the eyes, intelligent, sensitive and a reader.  And doesn’t that bottom lip just BEG to be kissed?

‘

Happy Holidays, all my dear friends.  The Fever Jones and I will expect an invitation to the wedding reception.  And remember, my presence IS the present.

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Shopping in Hell

December 11, 2009
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Recently I was shopping with my beloved Sheila (LA Derby Doll “Haught Wheels”).  She was on the prowl for an inexpensive coat and I was on board for the show (and some lovely new socks).  It was a Marshalls/Ross Dress-for-Less kind of day, and we were surrounded by the masses…AND their parents.  And then it happened.  My utter disdain for Ed Hardy jumped onto a canvas and then I was done.

And seriously, do I even need to mention the hat?  WTF is up with the STICKER still on it?

Remember, people everywhere:  Friends don’t let friends wear douchebag.

Enjoy the holiday season, but make sure to watch out for these people.  They’re not going to want anything you’re shopping for, but they’re bound to be in your way.

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jshawback

i just noticed the tron guy on your banner and i laughed so hard
thanks

Guess who’s coming to Thanksgiving Dinner

November 24, 2009
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Halloween is over, but Catwoman is coming to Thanksgiving dinner.  I hope your dad isn’t an ass man.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving holiday.  Always remember to be thankful for something.  Or perhaps you should just be thankful that the pictures don’t really show that these pants are see-through.

“As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.” ~ Adabella Radici  (By the way, I can find NOTHING on this person though there are thousands of hits on Google.  There isn’t an ounce of information that I can find on the actual person. Does anyone know who Adabella Radici is?)

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tiffinig

This makes me feel so much better about getting out my fat jeans for the weekend!

Thanks for sharing this amazingly large and disturbing ass to make us thankful for you, your phone, and your awe inspiring ability to find the most truly grotesque and and wonderfully tasteless people in all of the world! You are a wonderful friend to so many people and we love you! Have a fab holiday!

I think Adabella Radici is anagram for something…I just don’t have time to figure it out. :o )

celestevoce

Despite the fact that I barely exist, those pictures still make me rethink my enthusiasm and display of silly, sparkly, spandex pants.

I am thankful for… a good laugh. Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Back to School

November 16, 2009
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Like Starbucks pairings, which are researched before putting them out on a billboard, women tend to do the same thing with clothes.  SOMETIMES, though, their research technique is flawed.  This is the tale of a 50 year old woman that has decided to go back to school.  She’s done her research, but possibly she was following a student who was working her way through stripping instead of a stripper who was “working her way through school”.

I must admit that I didn’t actually take these pictures.  My dear friend Adrian took them.  After so many horrifying experiences with me chasing a freakshow down the street to take a picture, he finally succumbed to the thrill.  He’s a good boy, but I suspect that he’s merely trying to prove that his iPhone pictures are superior to my Blackberry.  Bite me Adrian…no AT&T for me.

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awaken2sun

Damn…this is too funny and I don’t resort to cattiness very often…but be honest — is that really a woman in there or a skeleton with a butt pad posing as a woman?

studbolt88

Hmmm…not bad looking whats her face like? LOL!!!

celestevoce

Yikes, I can’t quite figure out how holding all those bags isn’t forcing her to topple over. But, seriously, I hope someone holds an intervention for that woman.

eddietude

That is freakin’ hysterical. If you like pics like this with great commentary, check out “peopleofwalmart.com” I know, it’s sick, but hysterical….

feverjones

I can only imagine Adrian chasing after her and her friend. Did they even notice him? Do people like this notice other people at all?

Autumn

November 12, 2009
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Autumn has always been my favorite time of year. The colors of the leaves, the bite in the air…all heaven to me.   Which is, of course, why I moved to a town with no seasons.  While my friends are battling tornadoes, flooding and snow, it’s fall-ish in Los Angeles until April or May.  That doesn’t suck.  But during a recent trip to see my beloved Phoebe and her brood, I took some pictures of REAL Autumn….

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.
- George Eliot

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.

- Albert Camus

All those golden autumn days the sky was full of wings. Wings beating low over the blue water of Silver Lake, wings beating high in the blue air far above it . . .bearing them all away to the green fields in the South.

- Laura Ingalls Wilder


And yet here I sit…perhaps it will get chilly enough for a light jacket next month.

“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.” ~ David Letterman

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theredhead

Love love love the photos, Alan. Fall is my favorite time of year and I enjoy driving to work each day to see these three trees changing color. That’s about it for autumn in LA! : (

reconsgirl

Seasons,
sometimes, I feel this planet called Earth, overwhelms me with it’s day to day beauty,
with grace the seasons enters my soul, to freely inspire the whole of me.

-Stop for a moment, await, and the the smell of beauty-

Tis the season

October 30, 2009
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I love fall…and Halloween time in particular.  After a decade in Los Angeles, someone finally took me out into the boonies to a Pumpkin Festival.  FINALLY I get the colors and feeling of my favorite season…


HEY!  Is that Minnie Pearl on the back of that tractor?


When I TOOK the picture, it really didn’t look quite this dirty:

I love, love the colors of fall:

Me and two dorks (i.e. grumpy old men):

www.underwoodfamilyfarms.com

Of course it’s COMPLETELY a different feel from my Kansas childhood.

Hometown: Independence, Kansas

Population: Around 10,000

Annual event (and Kansas’ LARGEST annual event):  Neewollah (Halloween spelled backwards).


“Neewollah celebration (Halloween spelled backwards) began in 1919 as an effort to provide positive activities for kids of all ages in place of the typical Halloween pranks that occurred in the community of Independence, Kansas. In the beginning the events centered on parades, morning, afternoon, and night on October 31. The parades consisted mainly of decorated cars and carriages. Queens and princesses from area festivals rode in the parades, along with our own Queen Neelah who was selected based on votes bought at a penny each. The Great Depression and World War II interrupted the Neewollah celebration but in 1958 four businessmen revived and elaborated on the Neewollah theme bringing it back as a 3-day celebration.
Today Neewollah is the oldest and largest annual celebration in Kansas. The city of Independence will grow from a town of 10,000 inhabitants to 75,000 in the final days of the now 10-day celebration. Today’s celebration now includes 3 parades, a Doo Dah Parade (adult Kiddies Parade), a Kiddies Parade and a Grand Parade. Chili Cook-off, a hometown musical and queen’s pageant also add to the festival activities. The main downtown is filled with 30 plus food vendors, a large carnival and bandstand for nightly entertainment. The Arts and Craft show, Great Pumpkin contest along with the Band Competition, Fun Run and Bike Ride provided activities for everyone. A Children’s show and Professional Saturday night Entertainment bring a conclusion to the diligent efforts of over 500 community volunteers.”

www.neewollah.com

Perhaps the Fever Jones and I will finally make the pilgrimage back to Indy for Neewollah next year.  I’m SO jealous as I watch my Facebook friends from the Midwest blazing a trail to Independence for the festivities.  There are SO many memories…like my sister and I, ready for the Kiddie Parade.  Look how innocent we look (everyone knows that I am the innocent one in the family ;-) ):

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kims777

You make an adorable sunflower!! :D

kem127

That farm looks like it was a lot of fun; I’ll have to make the pilgrimage next year. What I really want to know is what did you do to make your sister give you that look?

frontline1230

wow we do not have sunflowers like that here in TX!