As I said in Part One, before Snoots N Toots, I wasn’t a dog person. I thought they were dull, class-less and really smelled something awful. But man oh man, now I’m sold.

Let me tell you, my dog worships me. She freaks out every time I come home, I mean, fuh-reaks out. She nearly has a coronary every time I walk through the front door. Talk about an ego boost. She then follows me around everywhere I go: when I take a shower, she waits on the bathroom mat; if I’m writing, she tries to sit on my lap; she even stares at me when I pee. I had no idea I was so interesting. She’s making me realize that I’m pretty fucking fascinating.

I tell Jon, “Hello, can I get a little more of this from you please? I mean, would it kill you to lick my face every now and then?” I admit, I’ve totally fallen sucker for her attention and her constant gush of love. If I had only known, I would’ve gotten a dog years ago and saved a gazillion calories on ice cream and cookies. She makes me feel WAY more fulfilled than a binge fest or a one-night stand.

And I’m gonna go there: for me, she’s waaaaay better than children. And I have yet to be proven otherwise. The greatest part about dogs is that they don’t talk back. You’re dog’s never gonna whine, “Mommy, why’d you get me this stupid fire hydrant collar?! I don’t even like fire hydrants. I hate it! It’s stupid!” That’s never gonna happen. It’s just going to lick your face some more and continue to worship you. I have worked with the general public for far too many years and have put up with idiots barking orders at me for far too long to put up with a kid talking back to me. That’s when you’d see a sista snap.

Your dog’s not gonna go through the whole asshole teen years either. It probably won’t even live that long, which is great when you have mild commitment phobias. Your dog is going to be WAY cheaper than a kid. No contest. There isn’t going to be any diapers or crying fits or drinking your booze and then filling it with water. None of that annoying shit that kids do. And let’s face it, a dog’s not going to make your boobs sag or give you stretch marks. And best of all, your dog’s never going to go through a stage of hating you and blaming you for all of its problems.

There are only two disadvantages to having a dog. 1) You have to pick up its shit its entire life. And 2) It’s never going to be able to make you a cocktail.

Since we’re making a list, I see two drawbacks to not having a kid. 1) I don’t want to become one of those crazy women who treats her pet like the child she never had. I never want to board that crazy train. And 2) If I don’t have kids, who the hell is going to take care of me when I’m old? I would just get thrown into a home and fed soup through my nose. I gotta admit, this is a pretty big drawback. I’m not a fan of captivity. But again, there’s no guarantees here. I could squirt out the next Jeffrey Dahmer and then I’d still be in a home, but a whole lot sooner.

So that’s where I’m at, weighing the benefits and the obstacles. In the meantime, I’m kinda sick of people getting all Holly Homemaker on me. I know that as people, that’s what we do, we judge. I get that. I can be a judgey judge just like anyone else. I think I know what a person’s tip percentage is going to be before they even sit down at the bar, just by looking at them (but we’ll get into that another time).

I’m not disputing the fact that parenting is undoubtedly one of the most profound parts of the human experience. But I don’t think women who don’t want kids are to-be-feared, soulless freaks. I think we are different, but I don’t think we are separate. I don’t believe we should be made the other. And I don’t believe that you have to have children to be interesting or live a full life. Now, I’m not making any verbal or written commitments one way or another, but I am saying that I don’t know if I want kids. And isn’t it okay for people to be different and not know what they want?