Near Fairfax and Fountain to be exact. A few months ago I was minding everyone else’s business and walking my dog Snoots N Toots around the neighborhood for her afternoon poop fiesta. Suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. There he was, Jesus, standing on the corner of Fairfax and Fountain with his arms outstretched and his palms facing up towards heaven.
He was dressed in his typical long, white robe and sandals, thin frame, approximately 6’ 2” tall with sandy brown hair down to his shoulders, you know, Jesus. No mistaking it, Jesus. Really, it couldn’t have been anyone else, not an anorexic Fabio, not a shaggy haired toga dude, nope, Jesus. Standing on the corner of an extremely busy intersection with his hands outstretched to his Pops. What. The. Fuck. You gotta love Hollyweird.
I have to say, I was mesmerized. I’ve seen some weird shit in my hood, crazy shit, but this ranked high. I don’t worship Jesus, or go to church, but it kind of takes your breath away when you see him, or at least someone who really looks like him and has the balls to stand on the corner dressed like him. I wanted to stay and just stare, see how long he’d stand there, if anyone would talk to him, but Snoots subscribes to the religion of afternoon treat proceeding afternoon poop so I was lead home by my whining dog.
Two weeks later, same scenario, poop fiesta underway, and what do I see? Fairfax Jesus Guy (this is the name that I gave him when relating this story to my friends ad naseum) BOARDING THE BUS. Apparently Jesus is green. Or he’s one of the five people in L.A. who doesn’t have a car.
I was really excited about this sighting and called a friend who had his own Fairfax Jesus Guy story. Unbelievable. Apparently my friend has a friend who lives in the same hood and while on her deck one day she witnessed a car accident (which are about as common here as venereal diseases). Before the cops could come (they were probably too busy rehearsing their lines) Fairfax Jesus Guy walks up to the car, opens the passenger side door, and helps the female passenger out of the car. My friend of a friend who’s still sitting on her deck watching what is now proving to be better than the Top Chef finale, then sees the female passenger walk away with Fairfax Jesus Guy, leaving the driver in the car.
Can you EVEN imagine?! You’re in a car accident, you’re disoriented, injured, etc. and then JESUS walks up and helps you out! I would absolutely think I was dead. And shocked that I was getting into heaven.
What was Fairfax Jesus Guy doing? Is that his pick-up move? Waits around for car accidents and then swoops in as the son of God? That’s a homerun. Really guys, when you’re at a bar shmoozin’ on the ladies, maybe you should think, What Would Fairfax Jesus Guy Do?
After hearing this I became mildly obsessed with F.J.G and started carrying my phone on our afternoon poop fiestas in hopes of getting an up close photo of him. Here’s my best shot to date.
We actually crossed paths here, and he said hello. I was twitterpated. My next goal is an autograph. I could for sure sell that shit on eBay to someone in the South.
And in case you were wondering, Jesus takes days off. I was yet again minding everyone else’s business, having tea with my homie Tim Coyne at the local coffee shop and who walks in? Day-Off Jesus. And what does he enjoy drinking on his day off? Coffee, black. Yes, I snooped; it was my obligation as a fan. And yes, I furthered my creepiness and took a photo.
I figured, Fairfax Jesus Guy isn’t someone to miss an opportunity. I will follow his lead. Afterall, WWFJGD?
