I’ve had some strange encounters in the last week (what else is new?) and I think there must be a common thread. Maybe you can help me put the pieces together.
First, at my commercial shoot a fellow actor started telling me about this BBC documentary called Real Dolls. Have you seen it? If not, put down your pastrami and youtube that shit. And don’t blame me for the queasy feeling afterwards.
Real Dolls are high-end sex dolls. The cheapest one you can get is $6,000. The cheapest.
The documentary follows a few guys who have completely substituted Real Dolls for real women in their lives. Their dolls are their wives, mistresses, and only friends. I guess he doesn’t have to worry about PMS mood swings or her drinking his last beer.
My perverted brain became fascinated with these dolls and found the Real Doll web site. (The site provides hours of entertainment while avoiding work and house chores.)
When choosing your own doll, you have many options. Here’s some snap shots from the site:
I’m going to go with Britney (she looks especially fuckable loveable, no?) with tanned skin, violet eyes and hmm…perhaps slate eye shadow. Yes, yes, I think that will look lovely with her skin tone.
It goes on to ask your choice in eyeliner width, nail length and color, mouth size and color and other perhaps more important features such as pubic hair style and color and if you would like the vagina to be permanent or removable…oh to have a removable vagina! The places it could go! The sites it could see!
Now incase you were wondering (I was) yes, they DO have male dolls. God Bless America. I have some qualms with the male dolls though, as will be evidenced below.
First of all, both types only come in 5’9”? Not to be rude to the averagely heighted man, but I’m paying close to $10,000 for this doll, I want him to be at least 6 feet tall, for the love of god. I want to be able to wear my heels around him and not shatter his silicon doll ego. Bullshit.
Also, why does the second guy’s dick swing right? Again, that’s cute in real life, but this is Real Dolls; I want a straight shooter.
And why in the hell does the darkest skin option only go to “Light African” – I’m not gonna get all MLK here, but really? I mean, really? If I’m getting a Real Doll, I sure as hell want dark chocolate as an option.
Furthermore, Michael, Nick and Nate? I’m sorry, but could we have a guy who doesn’t have more manicured brows than I do and look like he wants to borrow my nail polish?
And my final quandary about the male doll are the penis options. (Minors and family members, I apologize in advance for below.)
Whywhywhy. Flaccid and small? I might not choose the donkey size, but again, this is fantastyland people. Clearly these Real Dolls are made by real men. Sorry dudes, if there’s choice involved, I ain’t choosin whatchya already got. I’m surprised they don’t have balding and beer gut as an option.
Continuing down the site, for the particularly freaky out there, on either a male or female doll, you can opt to get elf ears…no comment. And if you just can’t decide if you want a male or a female doll, then why don’t you get the Shemale? Oh yes, they don’t discriminate (except against black people apparently).
As for any questions regarding your Real Doll, please refer to the FAQ section of the site. These are my particular favorite questions and answers:
I’m sorry, did I read that right, you can remove the face? Just eww. And you have to transport the doll via wheelchair? Wow, sexytime.
Yes, please do tell me more about the doll’s “entries.” And how convenient that the tongue can be removed. And incase you lose it, you can buy a replacement tongue for $100.
Honestly, my hips hurt just reading that one.
Aight, I’m all wiped out from choosing my new friends, but next time we’ll get into the other fakesters that rocked my boat this week. Hopefully together we can figure what the hell the universe is trying to tell me. Because so far all I’m getting out of this is a deep desire for elf ears.
