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A lifestyle blog by Buffy Charlet on The Whole 9

Buffy Charlet grew up on a hippie commune and then fell in love with hip hop. From Teepee to Easy E, there’s really no explaining it. She’s been everything from a hand model to an editor at Hustler Magazine to a bartender. Now she’s just livin’ the dream, between shifts.

What Would HHH Do?

People, we got a situation on our hands.

You know our beloved Fairfax Jesus Guy? Of course you do. He’s graced my neighborhood and general vicinity of Holly’hood with his holiness and sic hip hop dance skillz since before this blog began.

What you might not know though, is that FJG earns his living by standing on Hollywood Blvd and posing for photos with tourists. Hey, even the son of god has to pay rent.

There’s actually a group of people who make their living in this same way, standing on Hollywood Blvd, infront of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. There’s a Superman, a Marilyn Monroe, an Incredible Hulk, a few Jonny Depp’s from Pirates of the Caribbean, and many more. The city of Los Angeles doesn’t hire these folk; it’s by their own volition that they choose to dress up and take photos with tourists with the hopes of tips.

Hey, we all have our niche.

If you want to see the best documentary EVUH, check out Confessions of a Superhero. Actually, you really just must watch this movie.

I realize I’ve been on a documentary binge lately, but I guess that’s what happens when your own life consists of: work, poop, eat, poop, work, Bravo TV, eat, work, poop. (Who am I kidding? I only wish I pooped that much.)

Confessions follows around Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman and the Incredible Hulk in their daily lives. They range from struggling, out of work actors to spectacular nutcases. Not much more that I love than a good nutcase.

Speaking of Jesus, a few days ago the city of L.A. began arresting these Hollywood Blvd. superheroes. Apparently one now needs a license to dress up and take photos with strangers…And how would one go about obtaining this license? Riding your magic carpet to city hall and giving the Mayor 3 magic beans?

Oh wait, lemme guess…it’s going to be some sort of fee. Then you can carry around a little scrap of paper saying that you’re allowed by the grand city of Los Angeles to dress up in costume and stand on the street.

Hooooow…officially nauseating.

Just more evidence of the city’s absurd fund raising tactics. To be filed in the same category with LAPD stationed around parks writing out tickets upwards of $300 to anyone with a dog not on a leash.

Thank you Mr. Officer—I don’t know what I would’ve done if that Yorkie wasn’t put back on her leash! Golly, I sure will sleep easier tonight.

Cuz that’s what we got here in the City of Angeles, priorities.

Let’s get back to Fairfax Jesus Guy already. A few days after the arrests of Spiderman, Catwoman, Batman, Scooby Doo, Jack Sparrow, Elvis, and several others, I saw a sullen Jesus pulling weeds in his garden. I mean, if Jesus is depressed, is there any hope for the rest of us?

Batman being arrested. And that’s not the fanny pack fashion police.

So I began to think, what kind of job will FJG get now? Once you’re Jesus, you can’t just get any regular old job. FJG would be a terrible waiter—he doesn’t seem to be in much of a rush and I don’t think his hair and beard would be up to health code. He couldn’t be a teacher, all that church and state rigamaroll.

And so, I’ve come up with several job ideas for our beloved FJG now that he’s unemployed.

1) Being my personal assistant.

Ever since I began working a bazillionty hours, I barely have time to do all the necessary chores in life, much less keep up with my strict Bravo and cocktailing schedule. The job requirements would include, but not limited to: performing all mundane house chores; organizing my TiVo and creating a rigorous viewing schedule; walking Bella and examining her poop to confirm that her bowels are working properly; and finally, congratulating me daily on my large brain and shapely thighs.

The pay is shit, but the benies are decent. I make a mean cocktail and encourage drinking on the job. And we’re neighbors, which would eliminate a commute. An extinct concept in L.A.

2)…

Ya got me, that’s the only idea I came up with, but isn’t it a terrific one? When you hit it out of the park with your first try, why continue? I mean, how could he say no? Doesn’t Jesus have to say yes?

Oh I CANNOT WAIT to drink margaritas with him as he folds my laundry! But don’t get me wrong, this is purely a selfless act on my part. I asked myself, “Self, what can you do to make the world a better place?” And I answered, “I can let unempolyed Jesus wash my dishes.” I’ve brushed off the title of saint before, but this time, I may acquiesce.

Maybe I’ll even invite his out of work superhero pals over for game night. [Note to self: in his training, make sure FJG knows how to make all my favorite snackity snacks.] We’re going to make magic, he and I. First, we’ll he’ll conquer my dirty toilet bowl, then Los Angeles, ultimately the world. Together, me and FJG, one episode of Real Housewives at a time.

Now all he has to do is say yes. Details.

I better get a special place in heaven for saving Jesus.

  1. Vegas Wedding Chapel minister? Street sign barker in Rome with big arrow pointing to Vatican City and a “C’mon in!” sign? Protester at a Westboro Baptist Church meeting? Panhandler outside the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that sits across from the International Buddhist Meditation Center; keeping track of who gives more money (so he can report back to god)?
    (by the way, I read that a Batman and Robin turned out to be 18th street gang members after being busted for selling crack on Hollywood Blvd.).

  2. All I know is the Hollywood Blvd. characters go into my husband’s bar and it’s quite a site to see the saddest, droopiest Spiderman ever sitting next to a pretty decent Jack Sparrow. The Hulk only drinks pineapple juice out of the can.

    I know the guy who plays Chucky, and he’s legit. :)

  3. Wondering if I can ever get as lucky as FJG?

  4. Dangerous Ideas: You just lived up to your name. Well played!

    The Redhead: Oh my gosh, that seriously must be so depressing to watch! I love the Hulk though. Hilarious that he only drinks pineapple juice–you know what that’s supposed to be good for… ;)

    Jonathan: Maybe if we touch his robes?

  5. I’ll pay him to go (in full Jesus garb) and sit in the front row of a Sunday service at a local church of my choosing. He can’t say anything but must continually look without expression at the pastor/minister. When the minister is halfway through his/her homily, I want him to stand up, turn to look at the congregation for a moment, then walk up the center aisle and exit the church.

    I’ll also need a Whole 9 photographer to attend and take pictures.

  6. Creative Photog: That would be badass.

  7. @creativephotographycircle — I’m curious…would Jesus shake his head as he was walking out?

  8. What I’m sayin.

  9. I think Jesus should go into bartending. I mean, that whole turning-water-into-wine bit would be good for business.

    @hiphophippie: “Confessions of a Superhero” is a wonderful, albeit somewhat depressing, film.

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