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A lifestyle blog by Buffy Charlet on The Whole 9

Buffy Charlet grew up on a hippie commune and then fell in love with hip hop. From Teepee to Easy E, there’s really no explaining it. She’s been everything from a hand model to an editor at Hustler Magazine to a bartender. Now she’s just livin’ the dream, between shifts.

Cheetah

So one of my coworkers is in Africa. The Ivory Coast. For three weeks. Which means two things: I’m working a bazillion hours. For three weeks. And her dog is staying with us. For three weeks.

Enough with the dramatic period placements, but in my world, 3 weeks is a long mofo time. Unless I’m on vacation. For 3 weeks. Okay really, I’m done.

Our new step-child dog is a Pug. Snoots looks at her like the fat the kid at school who she has to be nice to.

So between working as many hours as a Mexican and the sleep deprivation from the Pug’s snoring, I’m in a constant state of anxiety and fatigue. I shall call this anxigue.

I fear that I’m a humorless drone. Only with a couple funny heres and theres to share.

Heres/Theres #1. You must watch this. It will make you happy. I promise.

There’s a joke going around the office that this was me as a child. I only wish cuz then right now I’d be ruling the world.

Better than anyone…better than anyone.

Heres/Theres #2. Speaking of the office, I was running a callback last week for World Class sprinters. Track stars. Olympians. The real deal. (Jesus, what is it with the excessive punctuation? It must be my anxigue.)

So there’s all these guys in skin tight outfits like this:

Which certainly isn’t the craziest thing I’ve ever seen around the casting facility, but maybe one of the best. I’ve seen worse than a track star in a nearly see-through banana yellow onesie.

Anymeow, it was one of these fine specimen of human form, these thoroughbreds, who uttered one of my favorite pick-up lines evuh. Oh wait, waitwaitwaitwait, lemme you tell you his name first. I know this is probably all bad form and shit to be saying his name, but I can’t help it.

His name is (silent drumroll please)…World Champion.

Not kidding.

Now, did his mother give him that name when he squirted out? I doubt it, but did he get his name legally changed to World Champion, oh yes, he did. Uh-mazing.

So I have World Champion waiting on deck and he says to me:

“Dang, you always eat so healthy?”

Here’s where I should tell you that I wasn’t eating anything. Naturally I was confused, looked around a bit, but when I realized he was talking to me I said:

“Um, I try to?”

“I can tell. You a cheetah.”

That’s right, World Champ called me a cheetah. And THEN he says:

“You’re just the way I like a woman, strong on the bottom, small on the top.”

I’m going to decide to take this as a compliment. At least he didn’t say thick on the bottom I suppose.

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’re a cheetah.”

Again with the cheetah.

And then World Champ goes on to say, “And I like the way you answer the phone. You’re the perfect woman.”

Shoulda stopped while you were ahead World Champ. Let’s just leave it at cheetah.

I thanked him, because I couldn’t think of what else to say, and then World Champion, his muscles, and his onesie walked away.

End scene.



  1. Life truly is stranger than fiction Buffy ;) And I too can think of worse things to have strutting around than track stars strutting around in see-through spandex with banana yellow onesies underneath…I flashed for a moment on how it would be to see the folks I spend a lot of time looking at during the day (artists) traipsing around like that. Suffice to say that It doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

  2. Allright all you cheetahs and cougars and pussycats, it’s a good thing I’m laughing so hard I can’t feel bad for us ‘artists’ not to mention a tad jealous of these world champions with their muscles and onesies and pickup lines.

  3. I’m with you dangerous. The only name that I have been referred to, other than my own, is turtle and a few that I dare not repeat. I really don’t think any of them were intended to elicit my phone number or a date.

  4. Lisa: Haha! Yeah, onesies are only good on babies or star athletes!

    Dangerous: I’m so jealous of them too! I mean, to have that kind of confidence–unreal!

    Jonathan: Turtle, hmm, yes, that’s a toughie. Perhaps because of your wisdom? :)

  5. Suddenly Ocho Cinco doesn’t sound so bad~

    Ochocinco – known as @OGOchoCinco on Twitter – posted a mockup of an “Ocho Cinco Condoms” box last week, complete with the slogan, “Catch everything your Johnson shoots,” a reference not only to the male anatomy but also to Ochocinco’s birth name, Johnson, which he legally changed to Ochocinco to reflect his uniform number.

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