“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” —Anna Quindlan

You can’t always get what you want…
But if you try sometimes,
You just might find
You get what you need — The Rolling Stones

I have been busy. Not tasky oriented shite. And, not “gettin’ busy”, unfortunately.

No, I have been involved with a new Spiritual focus.

(Insert longish story here. Which I will be glad to tell off-line to those what are interested)

But suffice to say, that through a somewhat unusual & circuitous series of events (over a period of many years), I find myself in a new Spiritual Community, outside the confines of my 20+ years of Zen Practice, though the two dovetail nicely together.

And, given Life & Work & Money and Stuff, I find myself able to participate with regularity, even traveling Upstate here to another Church for a Ceremony in The Woods (as opposed to the rented spaces here in NYC).

And, though I come from a different Tradition, the group has invited me in and accepted me.

And the Practice has allowed me to encounter and address age-old difficulties for me. Dealing with Family “demons” of my & others’ creation. And by shining Light upon them, they have disappeared.

I have been in a Meditation Practice for 23 years. I have been in Therapy. I have studied with a Shamana in Oaxaca. I have had many Spiritual experiences. I have read a lot of Books. I have been in Relationship; Romantic, Professional, Therapeutic & Friend. None of these vehicles have had the profound impact on me as I am now encountering; though those all become the richer.

And, that unfolding has a Life of its own. I have surrendered to “Its” Wisdom. “It” takes me where I need to go. And, on every level of which I am aware, it is healing.

So, this unfolding is Perfect. And, not necessarily what I “want” since my understanding of what is best for me is limited.

And since I try this time
I just might find
I get what I need

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend’s were.
Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

John Donne

In Memoriam: Roshi Daido Loori (1931-2009)

It has finally happened. I am one of those who scans the NY Times Obituary pages from time to time. Not obsessively. And not out of morbid curiosity, more an interest in people and their lives. People I had heard of or seen. Celebrities, Scientists, Politicians….

Over the weekend, someone featured in the column, an American Zen Teacher, was actually someone I had known. Met. Talked with. Heard speak & Teach in public. Read his Books. Sat across a table, sharing a cup of coffee & conversation.

Granted, I knew more of him than I actually knew him; having heard stories from his Friends & Students.

But to read his Obituary gave me pause. Reading those of others’ from time to time, reading of their lives, how they were notable enough to be so honored by inclusion in the NY Times, it was as if reading an old book; one of only little interest. Interesting, but Lifeless. Words.

But this one was different. Someone I had known. Not well, but known. Had his Voice & Laugh in my Ears & Heart.

I remembered a project I had thought of years ago, the 2nd time when I lived in New York. There is a “Potter’s Field” in New York. In fact, it is the largest in the World, containing over 800,000 bodies. (A potter’s field is a burial place for indigent or unknown people; where all the homeless & John/Jane Does find their Rest).

I had this idea pop in my I head: To go to the potter’s field to perform services for the people there. Since they are unknown, impoverished, chances are they went unmourned.

So, the passing of the Zen Teacher reconnected me with that idea.

And, as Fate would have it, I live less that 1 mile from Hart’s Island, the site of the NYC Potter’s Field.

Gonna carry the Zen Teacher with me (figuratively), when I travel across the water to the Potter’s Field to mourn the forgotten.

And perhaps, read the NY Times Obituaries a little more closely. For all those people known by someone else.

I have been away for a while. Absolutely absorbed by the job for which I re-relocated to New York. Gone so long that my previous blog had fallen off the listing.

I am coming up for air.

The business where I am currently consulting is 20 miles from where I am living. So, each morning, my collegue and I drive for 25ish minutes. Some mornings we have the first meeting of the day. Other times, I read something aloud while Paco drives. Some mornings we have nothing on the radio. Being a Silence junkie, I prefer to experience the landscape roll by in quietude. Some mornings it is the local Jazz station from New Joisey. Other mornings, a CD: Latin Jazz or Krishna Das. 

Every once and a while, Paco will get a new CD of interviews from The Integral Institute, Ken Wilber’s entity out of Boulder  http://in.integralinstitute.org). Yesterday’s new one had a discussion talking about Pure Consciousness; Awareness without the filter of ego. One of the speakers talked about “Evolutionary Obligation” which we all have, whether we are aware of it or not.

Each one of us, through Being Alive & Being who we are, is “obligated” to advance the Evolution of the Species & Planet.

Obligation: something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc. / a favor, service or benefit for which gratitude is due / a debt of gratitude. Origin: 1250–1300; ME obligacioun < OF obligation < L obligātiōn- (s. ofobligātiō) a binding, equiv. to obligāt(us) bound

For most, obligation has a negative connotation. I was obligated to do X because of this and that. The words family obligation are used, often with an unpleasant or negative connotation; something which I must do, which I would rather not, but what can I do, right?

In Buddhism, there are guiding principles called Paramitas, which literally mean “that which has gone to the other shore”. They are traits or actions which take a person from one state of being to another, like a raft moving from island to island.

The first of these Paramitas, which is the foundation of all the others, is Dana or Generosity. If one acts in a generous manner, towards others as well as oneself, if there is no separation experienced between oneself and others, if nothing is held back in terms of kindness, this leads one to a state of being pure.

So, yes we have an obligation to do everything within our power–everything we do–to advance the Evolution of Humankind and all Beings and The Earth. Out of Gratitude for being Alive. Out of Generosity of Spirit. Pure Awareness.

So, Sisters & Brothers, do something today to advance Evolution, OK?

In the last week, I have:

Been in the Mojave Desert–90º during the day, 40ºsomething during the night. Sleeping outside under the stars. Fasting some. Seeing things–”there” and “not”. Met some really nice folks at a Drum Circle. Saw Falling Stars, Satellites and even the International Space Station. Roadtripped over 3 Mountain Ranges and three Valleys. No computer or cell phone for 3 days. Ate the best damn chile relleno on the Planet in Lone Pine – cooked by Oaxacan woman who has been cooking at the restaurant for 30 years.

Returned to Suburbia. To TV and Lean Cuisines. Spent time in the City. Trains & Busses. And walking. Seeing a Friend from Iowa, here visiting her Son, the aspiring actor. Righteous Lebanese food in Long Beach.

Traveled 2500 miles to land in NYC. Drove through rush hour traffic to a meeting at a Mental Hospital on Staten Island. Am now on City Island in the Bronx, which is actually more like New England than NYC. It is 41º and damp. Right now, the siren is sounding to alert drivers that the draw bridge is opening. It is beginning to snow.

In spite of the difficulty of returning to the States and 5 months of searching for work & gallery exposure (by counting my e-mails, I applied for over 90 jobs), Life keeps unfolding. I am in the Bronx for a protracted job interview. You know the old saying: “One door closes, another opens”. More like: “One door is stuck shut and no amount of pulling or prying is going to get it open” To quote Bullwinkle: “I gotta get me another hat”.

And, again, realizing that I have Friends. People who care about me and are willing to support me in my Life: I am a lucky bug.

Some words of others’:

To carry yourself forward and experience myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is awakening.
To study the Buddha way is to study the Self. To study the Self is to forget the Self. To forget the Self is to be actualized by myriad things. When actualized by myriad things, your body and mind as well as the bodies and minds of others drop away. No trace of realization remains, and this no-trace continues endlessly. Eihei Dogen, Genjokoan, 1233

We are going to emancipate ourselves from mental slavery because whilst others might free the body, none but ourselves can free the mind. Mind is your only ruler, sovereign. The man who is not able to develop and use his mind is bound to be the slave of the other man who uses his mind…. Marcus Garvey, 1937

Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday. Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), American Beauty, 1999

In Native American traditions, animals carry Medicine. In some, the Medicine for Hawk is Messenger.

The Hawk flies high, circling the winds, overlooking vast vistas. Seeing the big picture, 360º. Seeing both the large panorama and the smallest movement.

The day after I wrote my previous post, I was driving to my Mother’s house for dinner. Winding my way through the hills, on streets-not the freeway, 2 Hawks flew across my view. As I was meandering underneath overpasses, one flew from high, swooping fast to the hill above. It landed briefly, then flew away empty taloned. Not 5 minutes later, another flew over the road, into a valley, so that I could watch it for quite some time.

At this same time, Joe Cocker was singing, “It’s Alright” on the radio. 

I smiled. I relaxed. I felt my Spirit settle into my Body for the first time in a few days.

The Message. Unfolding. Sent. Received.