A creative blog by Patricia Smith on The Whole 9

Artist and freelance writer Patricia A. Smith has led a chameleon life in various corners of the world. She has been a studio lyricist, cruise line executive, columnist and restaurant critic. When she is not questioning everything, she is probably sleeping. Quid Probe Quo is her favorite (and only) child.

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390

January 29, 2010
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You’re probably looking at the title of this post and saying, “Huh?  What on earth can she be talking about?”

The post you are reading right now, is my 390th here on the Whole 9.  It represents more than a year’s worth of writing about events, scenarios, thoughts, ideas and of course, the famous question at the end of each one of them.  When I was first approached by Lisa about a year and a half ago and invited to blog, I had never done anything like this before.  Sure, I had been a newspaper columnist and a restaurant critic and was comfortable working under weekly deadlines. Editors were another story.  I was thrilled to be given the opportunity and I loved the challenge. Thank you, Lisa for this gift!

Blogging in and of itself is more like a digital diary.  Regardless of whether your subject matter has a single focus like entertainment or politics or your ongoing struggles with parenthood, searching for a job or dieting,  blogging has a short shelf life and an instantaneous, stream of consciousness feeling to it.  When I created Quid Probe Quo, I decided that my blog would be a natural extension of myself, whereby I would write about things that concern me or that I think about and then turn around and ask the reader a question that I would happily also answer myself. I remember the first several weeks waking up every day and having to remind myself that I had a deadline and a blog to write.  Before long, it became a natural part of my day.

Each morning, I woke up rarely knowing what I was going to explore, say or ask.  I sat in front of my screen like a dutiful dog with my coffee nearby and simply allowed the words to flow.  It was a natural exercise and I’m happy to say, that even though I was sometimes in a hurry because I had other things to do, rarely did I struggle for a topic to write about or a question to ask.  It felt like I was doing some natural stretching for my brain (as well as my fingers!)

Over the past nearly 17 months, I have taken many of you on various adventures of my mind and emotions. Some of you read quietly without commenting and a few of you were more than faithful and weighed in on almost every question with thoughtful, interesting and sometimes funny responses.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your contributions.  Building a readership requires diligence and work.  Thanks to all of you who made me want to get up every day and continue the journey.

As with all journeys, they must eventually come to an end.  Quid Probe Quo has been a wonderful trip and a valuable springboard for other writing opportunities.  But now, it’s time to jump into some other waters.  As a result of my starting to blog here, I explored other writing and blogging sites and began sharing various genres of my work where I developed audiences as well.  I grew as a writer and am more than pleased with what has evolved.  I’ve been approached by a literary agent and placed on landing pages for sites with large audiences.  And as much as I enjoy the respect and exposure my writing has earned, it’s not like it’s paying all the bills.  In fact, it’s not paying any of them.  Not yet.

In order to move on to the next level with my writing, I need to move on from blogging on a daily basis here at the Whole 9.  I’m not leaving for good (you can’t get rid of me that easily), but I need to surrender this daily commitment in order to focus on other things that require my attention. One of those things would be finding a way for my writing to earn me an income instead of responses. I’ll poke my head in around here when I can and occasionally post when the spirit moves me and time allows, but for the time being, I need to stop asking questions every day and start answering more of them.  I hope you understand.

Thanks to all of you who have taken a few minutes out of your day to read what’s on my mind through 390 blogs.  The pleasure was all mine (sometimes, I felt, like it was only mine when nobody responded!).  I’m not giving up writing.  In fact I’m focusing on more of it.  When it’s ready for prime time, I’ll let you know.  In the meantime, keep creating, keep reaching and keep thinking!  Happy Weekend.

QUESTION:  Are you going to miss the daily question that has become Quid Probe Quo?

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patriciasmith

I’ll leave that to all of you to answer. Thanks for everything!

marcyschulman

Yes, very much so! I wish you all the best in your new endeavors!!

celestevoce

Yes, I enjoyed getting to know you through your blog, and I’ll look forward to your random tidbits. Thanks for all your posts, and best wishes to you.

harlemflash

Good news/bad news. Good that you are taking an incredible mind and writing talent to the next level. Bad that the continuity of your daily thoughts will go away. I have always been amazed at your ability to take a contemporary subject and convert it into an educational and entertaining piece of enjoyable reading. Best of luck on your new venture and looking forward to the next level.

biko

Please post updates of your journey.

Jobs in a World of Joblessness

January 28, 2010
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Yesterday, Apple CEO Steve Jobs made the announcement that many of us were waiting for.  He unveiled the iPad (was there not ONE woman in the room when possible names were being tossed around?); a slick “tablet” that will do just about everything except your laundry.  The crowd went wild (and so did comedians and a bunch of my friends (mostly over the name) and the world was good.

Jobs is notoriously secretive and loves to build suspense, excitement and curiosity.  He is the undisputed master showman in the world of technology.  If Apple is a cult or religion, Jobs is the savior and messiah. Mac users are but the believers.  And in an economy where the jobless are many, Jobs is one of the few who can still manage to thrive and get his followers to surrender their hard earned money in the name of their faith.  It’s extraordinary.

But something struck me as very odd yesterday while the world tweeted, blogged and live-streamed this event.  Doesn’t Steve Jobs have a calendar?   If, as he claims, the iPad is going to revolutionize technology, publishing and even the world, wouldn’t Jobs have been smarter about choosing the date to go public?  Did he not realize that Obama’s first state of the union address was going to take place several hours later?  To me, this is the story.  It seems like an enormous PR fail.

Go to any news website as of last night, and the iPad is not the main story.  And the stories of the iPad that appear under the fold are not about the product as much as they are about the unfortunate name choice and the resulting laughs that are coming at its expense.  I have no doubt that months from now, few will remember the meat and potatoes of Obama’s speech last night (let alone the gist of it) or that Apple shares will continue to soar and that sales of the iPad will have Jobs laughing all the way to the bank.  But I do wonder if Jobs will think about getting his hands on a calendar before making his next big announcement.

Note to Steve Jobs.  You need a calendar.  There’s an app for that.

QUESTION:  Any thoughts on the state of the union address or the unveiling of the iPad?

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patriciasmith

it remains a mystery to me why he chose this date….

ravnusreadr

If Jobs could find worse date for his launch, I can’t think of it. All those brilliant minds and nobody noticed that date? That is a real head scratch-er. And I’d love to think that Obama could get done the thinks he wants to get done, but today Congress will be business as usual, with stall and blocking tactics in full force by you know what party.

marcyschulman

I loved loved loved the speech. It actually made me feel very proud to be an American and proud of our President. It made me remember why I felt so passionate about him being elected. It is just so frustrating to see the partisanship that still exists. I loved it when he addressed the Repubs and said he thought he would get some applause over something. As far as the ipad, I don’t really have any interest in it right now.

celestevoce

Well, to be fair to Jobs, he probably chose the date long ago, while Obama was still deciding which TV shows to preempt. Either way, all the news about the ipad happened last week — the speculation is always greater than the product until it is actually released, so it will get press again.

As for the speech, I’m mad that Obama’s words sound so sweet, even though his administration has let me down so many times in the past year. I hope that he can make good on his promises this time around.

rosendo

Steve Jobs makes technology look simple~

President Obama makes it sound simple~

The GOP simply makes me sick~

Small Change

January 27, 2010
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When one door closes, it is said that another one opens.  At times, I have felt as if I was going through one that is constantly revolving instead of a real door that leads from point A to point B. Having taken the attitude that everything happens for a reason, instead of resisting the spin cycle, I have embraced the flow of that kind of life.  Sometimes, it made me dizzy.

Now I’m setting my sights on different horizons.  Suddenly, a number of interesting opportunities are presenting themselves that will yield some long-term benefits instead of temporary or instant gratification.  Or maybe I’m just approaching and viewing them differently.  It feels good.  A friend of mine is fond of saying, “everything changes” and I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes, it just requires seeing it all from a different perspective to recognize those subtle shifts as they occur.

The other day I wrote a post called Time IS Money and asserted that I will no longer take on every single person and cause without receiving my due for my own due diligence.  This change in attitude seems to be working for me.  My time management skills have suddenly become razor sharp; I have accomplished more with this tweaked thought process and more opportunities have found their way to me as a result.

Can it be that simple?

I hope so.

As someone who has changed locale, countries, direction and careers several times in my lifetime, I am aware that the most significant changes occurred not when I was looking for change per se, but when I put ideas into motion that could elicit a change of attitude.  Instead of assuming that change would come to me, I changed how I would make those changes happen.

I see several doors ahead of me that are leading me more or less in the same direction instead of back to where I was.  Change is good.

QUESTION:  Do you think change is controlled more by external forces or events or do you believe you can trigger changes to occur in your own life?

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patriciasmith

I’m thinking combo platter. Sometimes you get so mired in your own crap, that it becomes the only thing you have. And then one day, you wake up and change your attitude by just a degree or two and things start to slowly unfold and reveal themselves and you see the world differently. More importantly, you treat it differently and it does the same with/to you.

awaken2sun

I believe change is almost completely controlled by oneself, outside of “Act’s of God” and even then it’s amazing how different people (who live to tell about it) interpret the same tragedy differently — there are those who only see tragedy and others who see opportunity. Glad to hear you’re feeling better. Life IS good.

celestevoce

I firmly believe that we have the power to bring change in our own lives, but likewise, we also have the power to change other people’s lives. So, it’s twofold, I’m changing my own life, and those changes (sometimes) affect other people, and other people are changing their lives, and those changes (sometimes) affect my life.

Here’s Looking at Me, Kid

January 26, 2010
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Two weeks from today, I am going to turn a corner and hit a major milestone. I will turn 50. Who knew? Growing up, 50 seemed so….what’s the word I’m looking for? Ripe? Over the hill? Dare I say, old? Well, note really old, but definitely no spring chicken either.

Now as the big days nears, I can’t help but laugh to myself. I may be 50, but I feel like I’m in my early 30’s (with a little more gray hair). I still wake up feeling peppy, alert and vibrant. Nothing creaks or aches (thankfully) and I don’t feel defeated by life even if it does come with its own challenges. In short, I still feel like the best years are ahead.

I often think about people who peak early in life. The high school football hero or prom queen come to mind. All that youth and beauty can fade early and quickly. When people spend the present talking about the past, I can’t help but think of milk cartons with expiration dates attached to them. What do they do with that container long after the contents have gone sour?

Birthdays are a time of reflection for me. I generally sit down and write myself some sort of letter. I have a little pow-wow with my inner child. I ask myself some questions and as usual, I look for answers. I don’t necessarily find them, but that doesn’t stop me from the process.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be thinking at the age of 50 or exactly how I’m supposed to feel, but I can say one thing for sure. I’m glad I made it this far. And I have a long way to go.

QUESTION: What does 50 look like to you?

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patriciasmith

Better than 49. That’s all I can hope and all I can say!

ravnusreadr

You mean looking back? I can’t remember. All I know is you have to age, but you can stay immature forever and the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. Turning fifty can feel like turning forty-nine or fifty-one. Or twelve or eighty. I think it’s mostly in our heads. If you think old thoughts, you get old feelings and visa versa. (Did I spell that right?)

marcyschulman

50 in general is definitely not what is used to be. I think it is all about the attitude. I believe Susan Boyle is about 48….to me she seems about 65! One of my relatives, on the other hand, is 49 and acts like a 16 year old and looks about that age too, albeit with a few wrinkles. To me, I think it is all about feeling young and being excited for the future. Happy happy early birthday.

yearightwhatever008

Time is a blessing. It is simply the question of what we choose to do with it. We can judge ourself by by some (never on the mark) social standard or we can look to our hearts to see what we want to do with the time we still have (and have a good time doing it).

Time IS Money

January 25, 2010
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Everyone has heard the old adage that “information is power”.  You can replace “information” with “knowledge” and still basically have the same equation.  I’m a believer of this concept, even if I don’t necessarily practice much with it.  In other words, I have quite a bit of information and knowledge stored in this little brain of mine. Oftentimes (some would argue, far too often) I have been known to share what I know or give it away, for free.  Nobody makes me do it.  I consider it my gift to the human race.

There are some people who hoard all their knowledge and information and make people pay for access to even the tiniest bits of it.  Sometimes, I wish I was more that way.  But my nature is to be helpful.  I’m not wired to look for payment for every little thing I know.  Maybe, I need to start rethinking my position on this.  I know that I value information and knowledge and have been willing to pay for it to acquire it from others, so why wouldn’t the same rules apply for me?

In recent years, I have spent a lot of time helping people with various ventures.  There was a cruise line startup venture that took up nearly two years of my time and multiple years of my experience, resources and knowledge.  The economy took a turn for the worse and the project came to a natural death.  In the past year, I have dealt with various companies that are building or have a web presence.  Every owner was eager to mine my talent, knowledge and time without ever offering or asking me a penny for my thoughts. I spent countless hours in phone conversations or with email exchanges offering insight, advice and facts. Not a single person offered to put a check in the mail and I never asked.  My mailbox was empty as a result.

You don’t ask, you don’t get.

Starting today, the rules will change.  After nearly 50 years of playing Ms. Nice Guy, I have decided that my time is worth someone else’s money.  If they aren’t willing to pay for it, they are going to have to find it somewhere else from someone else.  It will be interesting to see just how interested people will be now when it comes to taking up my time.  It will also be interesting to see how much time I will have on my hands as a result.

QUESTION:  Do you give away too much of your time, information or knowledge to people who will gladly waste it but refuse to reward you for it?

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patriciasmith

Sure DID, but won’t anymore. I know I have some lurkers who read my posts here who are not members. Let this just be fair warning.

rosendo

Absolutely~

I think that’s why my once proud white picket fence has begun to show signs of neglect.

mikemichaels

Sure, that’s unavoidable and I understand the frustration. But when blessed with the opportunity to help out fellow travelers then the rewards are big enough to balance out the scales. There’s givers and takers but pooling our thoughts, knowledge is most positive and quite possibly the only way out of this idea of being a suckcess. Nothing is waisted here, it’s all part of the whole.

theroadhome

Here, here Mike. At this point in life I feel like I can tell with relative ease whether or not something is ‘given’, or ‘wasted’. Either way there’s an experience to be had and and it may not be all about me.

celestevoce

One word: internships. Was valuable experienced gained? Definitely. Do too many companies use this as an excuse to not have to pay some employees? Absolutely.

At the Next Disaster, Turn Left

January 22, 2010
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You know how sometimes people are referred to as relatives through marriage or like a third cousin twice removed (whatever that means)? That’s how I feel about Washington and what’s going on in this country right about now. Compared to a year ago, I feel like everything is distant, disjointed and disconnected, as if we the people have been completely removed from the equation.

Considering the alternative we might have had, I’m still glad that Obama is in the driver’s seat. Unfortunately, I’m not sure his GPS is working all that well. What started out as a community road trip seems to have gone completely off course. I think I speak for many when I say that the American people have been left by the side of the road and I’m not sure even our president has a real clue where we are going.

One year into his presidency and instead of hope or change, I once again find myself monitoring a sick feeling in my stomach about the direction of our nation and its people. It seems we have traded up from the frightening arrogance of the Bush era to a more polished version of a man who has found himself in too deep, surrounded by killer sharks and whales. But it’s still the same henchmen pulling all the strings and calling all the shots as they line their pockets.

This image was made more clear when I saw Bill Clinton and George W. Bush working hand in hand on relief efforts in Haiti. WTF? One year after he rode off into the sunset and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of “W” he shows up to work with an island nation after one of the worst natural disasters in history? It’s not like his resume is beaming with experience to handle human misery. Got Katrina, anyone?

If all the world’s a stage and we’re merely players, I can’t help but think we keep getting the same damn show. I was hoping for a complete replacement of Bush, not a stand in.

QUESTION: Does the sight of George W. Bush working with Haitian relief efforts put a bad taste in your mouth?

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patriciasmith

He looks as misplaced there as he did running our country. I’m almost embarrassed for Clinton. Then the cynic in me thinks, they are all laughing behind our backs at our expense. So yes, it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. Happy weekend.

marcyschulman

Well, if I am looking at it with a glass half-full perspective, I would rather see W in Haiti than back in Washington. If he can do some good and appeal to his party for donations, so be it. But, seeing him at all does drudge up some painful memories for all of us.

celestevoce

No. I’m glad he’s at least being a better former president than he was president. It’s the least he can do.

Side note about Obama being out of touch: he just confirmed Jay Leno will be headlining the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. Ouch.

Late at Night

January 21, 2010
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Okay, I’ll jump in.  I’ve observed the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien war over the past couple of weeks and it seems that O’Brien has agreed to a sweet deal that will give him (and his staff) a handsome payoff.  But Leno’s behavior in this whole matter has been less than genuine.  Kind of like his comedy.  How can the man (who in 2004 on the Tonight Show announced the eventual hand over to O’Brien in 2009 would be without the drama associated with his taking over from Johnny Carson) possibly claim with good conscience that he deserves to be back in the driver’s seat? How could he pout and cry foul and get away with it?

Jay Leno has showed his true colors.  He’s in it for himself.  He may soon discover that’s the only person he has left as a viewer as a result.

The real winner here as far as Im concerned is David Letterman.  His monologues over the past couple of weeks have been on fire and I think he has finally found the perfect time to exorcise the demons of injustice that were served to him many years ago when the helm of late night television was pulled out from under him and offered to Jay Leno instead.  Look who’s laughing now.  I know I am.  I bet Johnny Carson is, too.  And so is Dave.  And the audience that Jay Leno will never have again as result of his infantile behavior.  Jeff Zucker and Jay Leno should ride off into the sunset together.  It looks like all they have left is each other.

Just my .02.

QUESTION:  What are your feelings about the late night debacle?

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patriciasmith

Not that I watch much TV as it is, but out of sheer principle, I wouldn’t watch Jay Leno if they paid me. Bad juju.

marcyschulman

I actually watched Conan more at 12:30 than 11:30. I think he was doomed from the get go with Jay having the show on at 10:00. I mean, you essentially have the Tonight Show on at 10:00, then the news and then The Tonight Show again. Who is going to watch that? I do feel bad for Conan and especially the staff and crew who picked up and moved to LA for him. I hope the deal gives them the compensation needed to pick up the pieces. I had the opportunity to see Conan’s show taped in NYC twice and he seems like such a nice and down-to-earth guy. He came out and joked around with the audience before the show. I hope he gets a good deal with Fox and does well.

rosendo

Jay does have a rather large family of automobiles to support~

not to mention his massive ego~

peace~

R~

celestevoce

What it boils down to is that Jeff Zucker is horrible at his job. Late night isn’t the only area that NBC is having problems with, it’s most of their programming. It’s just funny to think that 10 years ago they were at the top of their game, with some of the best and most watched shows on TV, and now the most press they get is from this. Anyway, I hope NBC doesn’t screw Conan out of getting a deal in the near future with Fox, whose demographic is much more suited for him and his comedy. And I hope that Leno’s ratings never go up again (I never liked him anyway).

rosendo

Perhaps if NBC brought back Branford Marsalis as the musical director, I might be swayed to watch the Tonight show again~

He won’t return so I guess this is good-bye

R~

Delivering a Message

January 20, 2010
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Yesterday evening, I sat down and wrote a set of tightly structured paragraphs that revealed tiny tidbits from various scenarios in my life.  I deliberately used one form or another of the word “funny” in each one. As I juxtaposed funny against some rather heavy situations, I realized that I had cleverly spoken volumes without pointing a finger or revealing the time or place any of these events occurred.  One example:

“We laughed at almost all the same things until that one time the words got misconstrued and in the way. There was no recovery.  So I learned that it’s only funny when both of us are laughing.  Who’s laughing now?  Funny, I haven’t really thought about it in such a long time.  I’m laughing at something else now.  It might be you.”

As an observer of human behavior, I know that in its published form, anyone who knows me and reads that *might* wonder if that paragraph (or any of the others) is about them.  And maybe that’s the idea. To keep people thinking.  Sometimes, saying something in an almost abstract fashion can deliver a message much more effectively than sitting across from a person and hitting them over the head with the truth. Which is why I enjoy painting abstracts as much as I enjoy writing them.  I can say a lot without saying anything at all, and people can hear (or read) as much (or as little) as they like into it.

QUESTION:   Do you think you “say” more with what you articulate (or paint, photograph or write) than you do verbally?

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patriciasmith

I’m a pretty direct person in my verbal and written exchanges, but I DO love communicating messages with subtle messages that might otherwise fall on deaf ears or eyes. Usually the people who “get” them are rarely the intended audience. And often (ironically) the paranoid emerge to the forefront, convinced that this has something to do with them. Interesting, to say the least!

rosendo

We are the most expressive creatures on the planet. We have the ability to sum up a conversation by just rolling our eyes.

We can take a painters brush and before we ever apply it to the canvas, the color we dip it into can be viewed as very revealing.

We can strum a major chord as opposed to a minor and the vibe it emits will tell the listener which direction we are headed,

With one thumb I can say yes, no or find myself hitching a ride across America.

We know a photograph is worth a thousand words, so a photo album should keep us silent well into the next decade.

The english language has so many desriptive words and a talented writer can evoke feelings inside us that we never knew we had.

You can’t beat good prose~

Nuff said~

R~

Problem Solving 101

January 19, 2010
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As a writer, I rarely struggle to find what word to type next.  It’s as if the words themselves can’t control themselves and my fingers are but the vessel from which they spew forth.  The same is true when I paint.  I don’t “think” about what I am going to paint next, which color, what stroke.  In both cases, the creative process is organic and, for lack of a better word, pure.

Until I have an “assignment”.  Writing or painting “on command” takes on a life of its own and with it comes the pressure not only to perform, but to deliver as well.  I pick and choose my freelance projects carefully (what few are around these days) for this very reason.  The creative side is muted by the demands of the requirement or needs of the client.  There are not a lot of blank spaces to fill in.  I rarely do commissioned art pieces for the very same reason.   People have an “idea” in their mind of what they want a painting to look like, what colors they envision, etc.  It all but takes the fun out of creating anything at all.

For the past couple of weeks I have struggled with a commission piece that I agreed to do.  I was given total free reign with respect to color, imagery and layout.  However, I was also given specific objects to put into/on the canvas based on a series I did a few years back using shoes. Shoes and paper (as in collage work) are one thing to deal with; a Baccarat crystal high ball glass is another.

For starters, it’s heavy.  And did I mention it’s Baccarat?  Scientifically and mathematically, I had to figure out how to get this damn glass in or on the canvas and make sure it was/is going to stay there.  No matter what I did or how I tried, I knew that the canvas was eventually going to give. Then I started “building” up the back of the canvas, thinking I could support this glass, but the construction became too cumbersome and bulky.  I was frustrated.

For the past two weeks, we have had unseasonably cold (almost frigid) weather and since my studio is outdoors, it has been impossible to do any work on this piece.  Form follows function and since my piece was still formless, I basically had to leave it alone.  Every day, I was haunted by the canvas, the shoes and the high ball glass.  It was as if they were all taunting me.

Yesterday, I taunted them back.

I went out into my garage for something and something caught the corner of my eye.  It was inspiration. As soon as I saw it, I knew my problem was solved. There stood the very same size canvas that I had been struggling with over the past few weeks but its depth was twice the size and the weight of it was much heavier.  I realized I could perch the crystal glass on TOP of the canvas as if it was sitting on a shelf.  I would no longer have to construct a cumbersome support system that could potentially rip or compromise the canvas.  I was ecstatic.

This baby is going to be finished in a matter of days and I get to keep all my creativity, too!

Sometimes, we spend too much trying to solve problems and struggling to find solutions.  WHen we least expect it, sometimes problems solve themselves.  That’s inspiration.

QUESTION:  When you have a problem to solve or deal with, do you approach it from every angle possible or do you step away and allow a solution to emerge?

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patriciasmith

Generally speaking, I can figure out solutions to problems rather quickly. And when I can’t, I do step away and allow them to figure themselves out. However, in the case of a commission, I was feeling the pressure of the performance as well as (an imaginary) deadline so I became frustrated. Thank God I needed to go into the garage is all I can say!

cherylart

I do the same thing- if it doesn’t come together you have to step away, and wait for the answer to present itself. It is amazing how the brain is still working on solving the issue, even though I am not conscious of it. Just like your canvas showing up in the garage. Is it magic that brought you into the garage? Would you have seen that canvas if your brain was not in the process of solving this problem? Probably not.

theroadhome

Depends on the particular problem, but you can’t beat inspiration. A practical approach if it’s getting from point A to point B.

awaken2sun

I usually let a solution emerge. I have found that intention is magic and if ask the universe for something you’ll get it — hopefully sooner rather than later.

grool

I will usually tinker with something until I reach a point of frustration and have to step away from it. And every single time that happens I will end up going back to it after a good nights sleep or a drive around the block, and VOILA the solution presents itself. Damn me if I still haven’t learned that fact by now! It is funny how a little breathing room or just focusing your attention on something else for a bit can work miracles on a project.

Apology Accepted

January 18, 2010
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I have a friend who has an almost knee-jerk reaction to everything she hears as if she is to blame. If she calls and I tell her I’m making dinner or on the other line, her immediate response is, “I’m sorry.”  As if she is responsible for catching me at a less than perfect or convenient moment, she can’t help but express her sorrow that she is imposing on me.

I have another friend who berates herself without even realizing it.  Whether she is about to serves you something or decides to offer an opinion that might be different than someone else’s, she prefaces it all with the same two words. “I’m sorry”.  She is so afraid that she will disappoint that she uses those two words as a preface to almost everything she says or does.

I have pointed out this habit of over apologizing to both of these friends because I am not sure they realize how it sounds to be apologized to constantly.  Not surprisingly, I was met with an apology, using the same exact words that I have just explained are not necessary for these circumstances.   For the record, only one of these friends was raised Catholic.  I wonder where all this guilt comes from.

I know other people who have difficulties on both the front and back end of the apology scale. They can’t seem to utter those two words to save their own lives and have equally as difficult a time accepting a sincere apology when one is offered.  So they basically walk around planet earth unable to deliver two words that could ease some of the tension when they have done something inappropriate or said something hurtful and are incapable of absorbing a heartfelt request for forgiveness and move on.  This is a kind of honor system I can’t quite understand.

“I’m sorry,” is just as much a way of expressing compassion as it is a first attempt at redemption. Yesterday, I learned that a friend of mine’s dog went missing.  I also needed to apologize to a friend for taking longer than I should have to do something I not only promised but sincerely wanted to do.  My first apology was accepted with grace.  Considering the circumstances and our geography, sharing in her sadness was the best that I could do.  In the second case, my apology has fallen on deaf ears and has pulled a scab off a wound that runs deeper than I was fully aware.  The more that I attempted to show my contrition, the worse it became.  And now, I feel sorrier than ever.  For both of us.

Even though I made good on my promise, I seem to have fallen into the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” penalty box.  I now stand accused of following through without will or desire but out of force and it appears that by doing so, my “I’m sorry” (and doing what I promised) both fall on deaf ears and land in the “too little, too late” box.

Knowing when to apologize is one thing.  Learning how to accept an apology is quite another. And knowing how to accept an apology without punishing the other person for the rest of his or her life is yet another thing all together.  That’s the sorriest place to be at all.  Today, I am in it.  Knee deep.

I have learned that there are some people who hold your to an “all or nothing” flame of expectation.  One false step or mistake, and it seemingly cancels out every good deed or action, every act of friendship or love, every word or moment of joy that was ever shared.  There are not enough ways to say or show  ”I’m sorry” in the world that will make up for the infraction or clear the impasse.  I’m sorry to say that this is one of the hardest lessons to learn of all.

QUESTION:  How do you make someone forgive you?

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patriciasmith

Don’t allow it to escalate into something about something else. And then try apologizing again and showing your care and compassion as best as you know how. If necessary, step back and allow the other party to process and decide if they are capable of accepting what you have said or done and also deciding if and when they are ready to forgive you. And then, hope for the best.

celestevoce

Patience. Those who hold grudges will figure out soon enough (when they’re mad at all their friends for apologizing to them) that maybe they’re the one who needs to take a step back.