I once chased a lunatic out of the bar with an ax handle that we kept beneath the cash register. He had wandered in, twitching, snarling, and then sat on a barstool and growled that he wanted a drink. I refused to serve him, and with lip-jerk and drool, he swore he’d kill me. By that point, everyone at the bar, and those sitting at the booths, had gone tornado quiet. The lunatic was frightening, not only because he was big, but because he probably was sincere in his threat.
What excitement!
Dive bars are like the Old West; lots and lots of downtime between moments of high drama. It wasn’t all gunfight and barroom brawl in the days of the cowboy and cattle drive, and with today’s dive bars, the general lack of drama is also the norm.
The constant that I find interesting at work are the patrons. Each is unique amongst the specific lounge that he frequents, yet his counterpart exists in every dive bar. Some are loveable, and some aren’t, but they all contribute to the rent and the location’s flavor.
The Nurse: This customer can make a drink last all night. They’ll nurse a cocktail for hours, and whenever it gets down past the halfway mark, will ask for more ice and mix. Sometimes they can’t afford another, and some just have a low tolerance to alcohol. If the Nurse is a woman, she might wait around for hours until someone rolls along to buy her another drink.
Mr. Mystery: This character reveals very little about himself because he believes that zero disclosure renders him exciting. He drops irrelevant clues that are meant to make him appear mysterious. He might allude to fellow spies that he knows, or ask if you’ve ever killed anyone. When you answer ‘no,’ then ask him the same question, he’ll just shrug and sip his beer. It usually turns out that he is a telemarketer.
Liar Liar: Like Mr. Mystery, this customer wants others to find him exciting and interesting. He just goes about it differently. He usually reveals way too much about himself, and his stories begin to contradict each other. Liar Liar drops names. He will insist that he flew with Neil Armstrong on an Apollo mission, then a week later tell how he won the Congressional Medal of Honor in Viet Nam by saving Chesty Puller’s life. Liar Liar and Mr. Mystery can not stand each other and will sit at opposite ends of the bar.
The Ex-bartender: He always offers to ‘help’ if you ever need it. He’ll clear dirty glasses from tables and offer to come behind the bar and wash them. He brags about crowds he drew wherever he tended bar. The Ex-bartender will criticize the way the present bartender works. He is absolutely someone you’d never want behind your bar because he’d drink the profits then steal whatever is in the cash register.
The Joker: This customer always has fresh jokes. He can go for an hour and tell new jokes the entire time. He likes an audience and usually buys a round for those listening to him. The Joker will tell racist jokes, but does not consider himself a racist. Many times he’s not. The problem here is that I can rarely remember any of the jokes he tells.
The Mixologist: This person requests obscure drinks. The cocktails have long, ridiculous names like Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea or Steven Tyler’s House Slippers, and when asked what the ingredients are, it usually is something simple, like a screwdriver with a lime garnish. These drinks are absolutely concocted at home by the Mixologist with the belief that if they go to enough bars throughout the country and request their own creation, the cocktail will eventually turn up in some bartenders’ guide. They don’t realize that nobody receives residuals or commissions on a drink they create.
Mr. Big Tip: He always leaves way too much money. Sometimes his intentions are good. He has worked in the business and just knows what a grind it is. But there is also the big tipper who feels that because he has laid out more gratuity than anyone else, he can hound the bartender regarding jukebox volume or what’s playing on the televisions. He is generally the loudest person in the bar. Big tip can sometimes mean big mouth.
Mr. No Tip: These characters are usually not regulars. They tend to fold their money so they can scoot away before the bartender unfolds it and sees that it is the exact amount. When they order a drink, they specify that they want a strong Jack and Coke, or a stiff gin and tonic. They don’t order a double because they don’t want to pay extra. When I hear ‘make it strong,’ you can be sure they’ll be plenty of mix in the drink.
So, these are just a few of the characters found in dive bars. Most patrons are very normal. Quiet. Friendly. Decent. I have one regular who tattooed our bar’s name on his bicep. When I saw it, I told him we were thinking of changing the bar’s name.
Tell me about the most interesting character you’ve ever come across while diving.
Novelist Jim Kalin lives in Los Angeles, writes a monthly column for Amateur Wrestling News, and has traded in his speargun for a banjo. His wife and son sing harmony.