Jobs! We’ve got to have them. I don’t know who devised that rule, but it seems that we’ve all agreed to it. Some occupations are definitely more desirable than others. Playing bass guitar for R.E.M. is probably better than winding up in some factory in a town like Bethlehem or Rockville, but that’s just a guess. I’ve worked in the steel industry in Cleveland but have yet to learn bass, so who am I to judge?
I had a friend who once worked for a neon sign repair shop (I won’t say in which city or state.) He wasn’t actually on the payroll because they didn’t want anything traced back to them.
His job was to break neon signs. He’d go out at night and toss a Frisbee up to bust the glass tubing. Frisbees worked best. They were heavy enough to damage the glass, easy to aim, and a man carrying a Frisbee would not raise the suspicion of policemen passing by in a cruiser. The neon sign company would get the phone call to come out for the repair, and my friend received 20% of the collected invoice. He didn’t get rich, but he never needed a second job, either.
I’ve lost touch with this friend. The last time I spoke to him, he was dealing coke in a Division II campus town. I’d guess he’s in jail now, or has seen the inside of one long enough to be issued a tooth brush.
Breaking neon may seem like an underhanded way to make a living, but it’s not original. Don’t the greeting card companies concoct special holidays to sell more cards? And in the fifties, the baby formula companies instigated a campaign against breast-feeding by paying doctors and researchers to invent untrue findings that suggested mother’s milk might be adverse to a newborn’s health. These aren’t exactly the same as breaking neon, but both certainly are in that spirit.
A closer match might be the war in Afghanistan and Iraq. After lying about intelligence reports, The President Bush Troupe was able to convince a substantial portion of the U.S. that war was necessary. Of course the defense contracts went to Halliburton and other Bush family friends. This war started, sustained, and sponsored by…
I’m wondering what George Bush will do after the November elections. I think playing bass for R.E.M. is out. He wouldn’t look good next to Michael Stipe. But maybe I’ll track down my friend. He could speak to his old boss at the neon sign repair shop and get The President a job there. He won’t be on the payroll, of course, but job description might include roaming the streets carrying a Frisbee. With his experience, it would be the perfect occupation. And the best part? The shop wouldn’t have to spend any time or money training him.
So, this blog won’t always be about politics. And I might never mention jobs again. But since this first one concerns both of those, let me know if you have any examples of breaking neon. I’d even enjoy hearing about your worst or most unique jobs. And if you can suggest an occupational change for our departing president, please let me know.
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Novelist Jim Kalin lives in Los Angeles, writes a monthly column for Amateur Wrestling News, and has traded in his speargun for a banjo. His wife and son sing harmony.