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A creative blog by Jim Kalin on The Whole 9

Novelist Jim Kalin lives in Los Angeles, writes a monthly column for Amateur Wrestling News, and has traded in his speargun for a banjo. His wife and son sing harmony.

I’M GOD

Let’s face it. The economy is absolutely decimating businesses, and it’s not just the mom and pop stores. Monsters like Circuit City have flopped, and the auto industry has run to the federal government for aid. Locally, I’ve seen a Popeyes and a McDonald’s eat ash. But it’s worldwide, and along with the wars that have been cropping up like acne on a teenager’s forehead and environmental disasters such as The (S.O.)B.P. Oil Spill, it’s looking like only supreme intervention can save us.

But don’t count on religion. Like those fast-food failures, temples, chapels, and churches are also closing their doors. In this economy, even God is a business casualty.

When money is tight, it’s the small things, the details that count. Maybe God can only afford to address the smaller issues.

If I was God at this moment in history (and we are in a Major Moment, folks,) I’d do three things. Maybe it wouldn’t back the human race away from disaster’s brink, but it might set something larger in motion. Remember; it’s the little things.

My first decree would be to make everyone drive while on their cell phones. Only then would that tiny percentage of asswads who still drive and talk understand how inconvenient, annoying, and dangerous they are. Traffic would grind to a stop, and then they’d have plenty of time to contemplate their inconsideration.

Next, I would declare the first Monday of every month Racial Slur Day. It would be mandatory for everyone to wear t-shirts printed with any racist or derogatory term that applied to them. My shirt would read HONKY-MICK-BOHUNK. And strangers would be required to greet each other by calling out the labels on their shirts. In a year, those words would become comical and harmless.

Finally, I would make everyone a rich CEO for a day. Only then would people understand that the saying ‘nobody suffers like the rich’ is true, because the rich suffer less than anyone else, and when they do, it’s in comfort. The saying was concocted by them. Maybe then the poor and middle class – the majority – would realize that they don’t have to believe the lies of the rich and continue to vote them into office.

So, I admit this all may seem mysterious, but isn’t that the way God is supposed to work? And sometimes it’s the small things, those that seem silly and trite, that set the big changes in motion.

If you were God for a day and could do one small thing, a seemingly insignificant event, what would it be?

  1. Make it legal to eat the rich and kick a politician in the hacky-sack.

  2. Make it possible for the deaf to hear, the blind to see and those who are mute will speak and tell us what the hell we’ve been doing wrong all these years.

  3. First off, I doubt it’s any more Major than ever. Secondly, I don’t believe in ‘god’ and if there is one she’s probably completely powerless, by choice. Finally, there is no such thing as a tiny insignificant event if one wants to get all macro-cosmic and god-like about it. :) Marcel

  4. I would require everyone to look each person they come in contact with in the eye, say hello, smile, and say thank you.

  5. I’m kinda with Lisa’s comment on the other blog: “More fucking, less fighting.”

  6. People would be rewarded financially for their positive attitudes…and wit. I’d let the rest eat cake.

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