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A creative blog by Jim Kalin on The Whole 9

Novelist Jim Kalin lives in Los Angeles, writes a monthly column for Amateur Wrestling News, and has traded in his speargun for a banjo. His wife and son sing harmony.


It’s become apparent with the last three presidential elections that conservative America doesn’t have a clue about politics, but after Tuesday night’s debacle on the supershow ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ it’s clear that they know nothing about dance, either.

The success and popularity of Sarah Palin is unnerving, but I didn’t realize how far gone the American conservatives and Republicans were until I heard that her daughter Bristol had advanced to the finals of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’

Now, I don’t watch the reality show, but my wife and parents are big fans. My folks live in Ohio, so they see the airing three hours before my wife does. That’s got to be tough on my mother. I know her, and believe me, my father must hide her cellphone so she doesn’t call my wife here in California under the guise of just checking in to ‘inadvertently’ reveal the voter results.

If none of this makes any sense, don’t feel bad. You obviously have better things to do than watch forgettable tv or follow train-wreck politics. But the show is kind of like ‘Survivor,’ and every week, after each couple performs a dance routine they’ve been practicing, one of the duos gets booted. What determines who goes is a combination panel of judges’ scores and a call-in vote from the television audience.  Those cell-phone voters are the problem.

I’ve seen Bristol dance. It’s not pretty. She reminds me of one of those small circus dogs in a tutu that prances about on back legs, tongue lolled out, anxious to receive a treat and get back down to life on all four paws. Her foxtrot seems to be infested with jitterbug, and her quick step looks like she’s searching for directions to the nearest ladies’ room.

When it was revealed on live tv that Bristol had made the finals, nobody could believe it. Not Brandy, the celebrity who was booted instead of Palin, not the judges, and especially not the studio audience. But apparently, conservative America had spoken with their cellphones, and what they said, loud and clear, was that they want Bristol’s mother to be our next president.

Does this sound like a colossal leap? Consider Bristol’s response to her unbelievable advancement.

She pointed out that she had really improved.

A bet. That will become her mother’s mantra, the thing she runs on. That she has come a long way. That she is better than last time. That she has improved.

The most interesting thing about Bristol’s appearance on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ is the background story. How did she get chosen? She’s not a star or celebrity. She has no talent, zero charisma, and very little physical appeal. She’s achieved nothing.

Bristol is laying groundwork for her mother’s campaign. Sarah Palin professes that she is still undecided, but that’s a lie. She appears on ‘Dances With the Stars’ whenever she gets the chance. It’s all about exposure, and believe me, the folks running her campaign know a great thing when they see it. I wonder about the backroom deals that got her daughter on that show.

Beware all ye who are adverse to conservatism. You are asleep, and it is coming. Conservative America swallowed George Bush hook, line, and stinker. He was not smart, but at least he knew it. Palin is worse. She can’t even remember to blink unless her handlers give her a reminder nudge.

If you take the ‘L’ out of Palin, you are left with PAIN. Something to think about.

  1. Unfortunately, this photo doesn’t even begin to capture the lack of stage presence. She’s seems like a very nice girl but it’s a show about dancing not about politics. ABC, stop having the likes of Tom Daschle and Bristol Palin on — they’re not Stars!

  2. Ugh… the Palin’s. They are a worst virus to health of the United States than Jon & Kate + 8 and those creepers the Duggars combined. Sigh… The worst thing is that if Sarah runs again in 2012 she might actually have a decent chance given the current political and media climate. Damn. Now I just went and made myself sad.

  3. I have an aversion to reality shows so I have not seen this debacle, but love the story about the 66 year old man who was arrested the other night. He was so upset that Bristol Palin has not been voted off the show, that he took second amendment remedies and shot a hole right through his TV. The Palins have apparently met their intellectual match.

  4. yes Grool, you went and made me sad too.
    Unfortunately 2012 is just around the corner. The best we can hope for is that the perceived end of the world might actually save us from another election!

  5. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? How come Jane Fonda hasn’t been on Dancing With the Stars? (it’s OK, those of you under 50 won’t have a clue what I am talking about!) I have watched excerpts from this years show, just out of morbid curiosity….I guess us “liberals” will have to tune in and vote for Jennifer Gray! Maybe next year we could lobby for Rachael Maddow to be on Dancing with the Stars….or better yet, Nancy Pelosi!

  6. Oh Grool…yeah…now you made me sad too. The thought of her running the country just makes me start to twitch and rock back and forth like a crazy person…..

  7. All I can say is thank God we can move to Ireland with my hubby’s bloodline if necessary. I will not stay in the U.S. if Palin makes it anywhere near the White House. God Help us. Oh, Canada; would you like an artist and brilliant family in tow?

  8. @cherylart
    LMAO!!! Indeed. I think that is the best outcome we can hope for at this point. :)

  9. I didn’t realize Bristol was a ’star’…seriously. I thought she was the child of a glory-seeking zealot, ex-beauty queen with a taste for fame-at-all-cost, an ignorant mouthpiece for those who’d rather believe in the spewing of hypocrisy than think for themselves…didn’t realize she was a star.

    Nancy Pelosi on DWTS? I’ve never seen an episode…I would certainly sit with phone in hand for that.

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