Whaling, Women, And Wrestling

There was one brief moment at the Republican National Convention when the entire party’s musty soul was exposed. Those of the GOP would argue that their party consists of all sorts, the poor and wealthy, black and white, gays and straights, so how could anyone claim to have seen a solitary and homogenous spirit? Yet that is exactly what I witnessed during Senator McCain’s speech.

He was talking about the day the North Vietnamese shot him down over their airspace. He admitted that maybe he was a hothead in those days, and even picked fights with his fellow pilots. He grinned boyishly through this part of the speech. But when he mentioned that an angry North Vietnamese mob was waiting for him on the ground as he parachuted from his downed fighter plane, he hesitated a moment, like a veteran stand-up comedian.

He knew what this statement would bring, and on cue, his adoring audience snickered.

Was it somewhat funny that John McCain was dropping bombs from thousands of feet above on the citizens of Hanoi and surrounding villages? Did the thought of him getting his ass whipped with sticks and shovels seem comical? Or was it humorous that maybe he wasn’t such a great pilot, since most jet fighters during the Viet Nam War did not get shot down?

It wasn’t any of those things. It was the nervous chuckle of a privileged collection of misfits – the Republican Party — who had only insensitivity in common. It was a loathing of others, and especially themselves. They were castaways on the Island of Lost Toys, Charlies-in-the-Box who wanted to fit in where they were not welcome. But by laughing at this ‘maverick’ who visited the worst possible scenario on a yellow-skinned population, it made them feel better.

Let me ask this; how funny would it have been if the hijackers on September 11 had parachuted just before the planes hit the World Trade Center? Would Republicans have snickered at the thought of angry New Yorkers waiting below with brooms and pooper-scoopers? I doubt it. But unlike the North Vietnamese, those New Yorkers wouldn’t have let the 9-11 hijackers get away with their lives. Was McCain lucky, or were the North Vietnamese more compassionate than Americans?

To Republican faithful, McCain is certainly a hero. He dropped bombs from thousands of feet above onto North Vietnamese men, women, and children, and I guess choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate makes sense; she shoots wolves from the safety of an airplane.

Ah, Aerial Wolf and Gook Hunts, brought to you by our two American stinkers.

I watched FOX news the morning Barack Obama announced that his running mate would be Delaware senator Joe Biden. I would read later that day about the decision in the Los Angeles Times and learn more about it on CNN, but I was most interested in how FOX –the Mad Magazine of news programs — would charge out of the gate with the announcement.

Their immediate reaction was somewhat limp and puzzling, and I suspect FOX strategy was based on who they believe their target audience is. There were no sound bites from Senator Biden’s past speeches that blared contradiction, and none of the jowly commentators mentioned suspect senate voting records, supposed plagiarizing, or committees that Hard-luck Joe had participated in.

Instead of revealing something with gasp-appeal and clout, FOX harped on Joe Biden’s 1.3 million dollar house!

1.3 million dollars!!!

This reminded me of that scene in the first Austin Powers movie when the villain Dr. Evil, finally awake after being cryogenically frozen since the sixties, decides to hold the world ransom for… one million dollars! He mistakenly believes it’s a lot of money, but his advisors assure him that he has undershot way too much.

I live in California, and even though it’s true that the average house price here is the nation’s highest, 1.3 million dollars in America’s heartland and the Midwest still won’t get you a pad in the Rockefeller’s neighborhood, but that’s how FOX treated their scoop when revealing the worth of the ‘Biden Compound’ (FOX did conveniently neglect to mention John McCain’s 13 houses and the Bush family’s fortune.)

FOX decision-makers must know something about their audience. After all, it’s a highly successful network. And that’s what bothers me; that so many average people, probably good-intentioned people, working people, choose to be duped and fed dribble.

I guess FOX selected the perfect name for their network.

In The American Heritage Dictionary;
fox (foks) 1. To trick or fool by ingenuity or cunning; outwit. 2. To baffle or confuse.

So, with the Republican announcement that Alaska governor Sarah Palin will team up with McCain, who do you think will win the presidential election?

So, Rush Limbaugh recently agreed to a 38 million dollar contract. Wow! I’m sure he’s worth every penny. But I doubt if rich and affluent Republicans listen to him. To accumulate wealth takes some brains, and let’s face it, anybody who is fooled by Rush or takes what he hawks as gospel doesn’t possess enough common sense to realize that Jesus didn’t have blue eyes and blonde hair.

There are lots of things that irk me about Lucky Limbaugh, but my main complaint is his promotion of the squeaky-clean, especially when he is anything but that. Like all right-wing mouthpieces and puppets, he rails against the very things that he and his masters are. He chided John Kerry for his brief and interrupted time in Viet Nam, but what he never bothered to mention is that he, Dick Chaney, Karl Rove, and George Bush, Jr. never spent a minute in any true branch of the military.

And what to make of Limbaugh’s arrest at the Palm Beach airport last year for possessing Viagra illegally after returning from a Caribbean vacation?

“I had a great time in the Dominican Republic,” chuckled a smug Limbaugh to the reporters. “Wish I could tell you about it.” Wink, wink.

Are you fucking kidding!!! This from the blowhard who rants over the air against illicit sex and drugs.

I’m sure that the Dominican Republic can be wonderful – if you have money – but there are major sections steeped in exhausting poverty. In some of these areas, 60% of the children are prostitutes. Underage girls make up the majority, but 37% are sankie pankie (young boys.) Child hookers prowl the streets, beaches, cafes, and parks, soliciting themselves to male tourists, but the private casa familial compounds offer anonymity, and if you happen to be a high-profile visitor whose professional career would go to shit if your adoring public learned how you spent your vacation, confidentiality and secrecy would be vital.

If someone was interested strictly in a tropical beach vacation, there are safer, more exotic places than The Dominican Republic. And I would choose Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Washington D.C., or a hundred other cities if I had millions to burn and beautiful, high-priced, adult prostitutes were my pleasure. Exposure to HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted nightmares is significantly more likely in a third-world country like The Dominican Republic.

But child prostitution is dealt with severely in the U.S., and for that sordid pleasure, places like Thailand and The Dominican Republic are popular vacation spots because nobody there really cares about poverty’s kids. Child prostitution attracts predators, and predators spend big money.

So, again; Why don’t you tell us about your vacation in The Dominican Republic, Rush.

Jobs! We’ve got to have them. I don’t know who devised that rule, but it seems that we’ve all agreed to it. Some occupations are definitely more desirable than others. Playing bass guitar for R.E.M. is probably better than winding up in some factory in a town like Bethlehem or Rockville, but that’s just a guess. I’ve worked in the steel industry in Cleveland but have yet to learn bass, so who am I to judge?

I had a friend who once worked for a neon sign repair shop (I won’t say in which city or state.) He wasn’t actually on the payroll because they didn’t want anything traced back to them.

His job was to break neon signs. He’d go out at night and toss a Frisbee up to bust the glass tubing. Frisbees worked best. They were heavy enough to damage the glass, easy to aim, and a man carrying a Frisbee would not raise the suspicion of policemen passing by in a cruiser. The neon sign company would get the phone call to come out for the repair, and my friend received 20% of the collected invoice. He didn’t get rich, but he never needed a second job, either.

I’ve lost touch with this friend. The last time I spoke to him, he was dealing coke in a Division II campus town. I’d guess he’s in jail now, or has seen the inside of one long enough to be issued a tooth brush.

Breaking neon may seem like an underhanded way to make a living, but it’s not original. Don’t the greeting card companies concoct special holidays to sell more cards? And in the fifties, the baby formula companies instigated a campaign against breast-feeding by paying doctors and researchers to invent untrue findings that suggested mother’s milk might be adverse to a newborn’s health. These aren’t exactly the same as breaking neon, but both certainly are in that spirit.

A closer match might be the war in Afghanistan and Iraq. After lying about intelligence reports, The President Bush Troupe was able to convince a substantial portion of the U.S. that war was necessary. Of course the defense contracts went to Halliburton and other Bush family friends. This war started, sustained, and sponsored by…

I’m wondering what George Bush will do after the November elections. I think playing bass for R.E.M. is out. He wouldn’t look good next to Michael Stipe. But maybe I’ll track down my friend. He could speak to his old boss at the neon sign repair shop and get The President a job there. He won’t be on the payroll, of course, but job description might include roaming the streets carrying a Frisbee. With his experience, it would be the perfect occupation. And the best part? The shop wouldn’t have to spend any time or money training him.

So, this blog won’t always be about politics. And I might never mention jobs again. But since this first one concerns both of those, let me know if you have any examples of breaking neon. I’d even enjoy hearing about your worst or most unique jobs. And if you can suggest an occupational change for our departing president, please let me know.